My Planned Parenthood Story....

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As a young girl folks don't know this, but I moved out Early, and also fell in love early. Finding Love was easy enough in the Seventies, but finding Birth Control was not as easy. And I was not the kind of girl to talk about sex or birth control. I was shy, nerdy and a little geeky. But I also was the kind of girl to have strange goals. I was very much in love the Summer of 1976 and it was my First Love. We decided that we wanted to Celebrate Independence Day in a momentous way. So yes, I lost my Virginity on Our Country's 200th Birthday, I guess you could say that makes me rather Patriotic....And to add to my patriotic Legacy, 14 years later I actually got pregnant on Independence Day......Planned Parenthood is a dear part of my Reproductive History, and truth be told I would not have my son without them.

Planned Parenthood entered the scene while I was in High school. It was the first place where we could go to get Birth Control and The Pill. This was the Era where Abortion became Legal, but when also backroom abortions were still happening. So the Fear of getting pregnant was very real for young girls and women. For girls and women Sex and Birth Control and Abortion and Pregnancy were still not topics easily discussed or shared. The person who really shared and taught me was my 79 year old Aunt Elizabeth. She was Widowed and that 16th summer I got my Drivers License I would drive her to meet her "lover", and it opened up many conversations to Life Lessons I sorely needed. There are not many people that show up to their Planned Parenthood appointment with the Great Aunt asking questions about the Newest Birth Control. ( She wanted to see "The Diaphragm" and once she saw it, and held it in her hand " Well, isn't that Ingenious !" in her soft West Virginia way. )

So off I went to Planned Parenthood to learn about Birth Control and also sex and also my Period. It was finally a place where I could ask questions and learn what I needed to know. My last two years of High School I went to an All Boys School, where I quickly realized that I didn't want sex yet and that I knew nothing about my body. And for someone who is a Science geek that was a heavy realization. I also realized that I wanted to Fall in Love, but that I didn't want Sex until I fell in Love. ( So much for my mother's theory that I was "sex crazed" and that was WHY I wanted to go to the Boy's School. Truth be told I wanted to go to the Boys School because they had excellent Science and Math courses that I craved. I went on a scholarship and graduated early. And to be honest at that School I learned that Boys could be my friends, and I learned that I suck at Dating.)

But for me I also learned that there were things about me that I needed to know. By the time I was almost 20 I learned thank to Planned Parenthood that I did indeed have Endometriosis. This diagnosis would change everything, it would change how I felt about Sex and my body. I thought there was Something Wrong with me, that I was not enjoying my young body or Sex. But Planned Parenthood helped me understand that all of the Pain and the Bleeding were not in my "head" and that I was not "defective". They helped me get medicine for the Pain and they would rehydrate me when I was dehydrated from the bleeding. And they even had advice about the Sexual issues that plague such a disease. And they also early on explained to me that Endometriosis must be taken seriously as it does effect the ability to have Babies and stay Pregnant.

And so over the years while in Nursing School and as a young nurse with limited income Planned Parenthood did help me cope with this Disease. And that also meant they helped me cope with 4 miscarriages before I ever was to get pregnant and have my son. Most people think of Planned Parenthood and they think of Abortion Aid, but they don't realize that Planned Parenthood helps Millions of Young Women take care of their bodies and cope with so many other reproductive issues. For me they helped me find Hope while I coped with a disease that was indeed posing reproductive challenges. And by the time I was 29 Living in Seattle, they helped me find Doctors working with Endometriosis and Fertility Challenges and with High Risk Pregnancies. And all of those years Planned Parenthood helped me with the excessive Bleeding, the dangerous Hematocrits, the Dehydration, the Infections, and yes, the pain and loss of miscarriages.

And so by the time I was 30 and living in Seattle I still very much wanted a child. I was taking care working ER and also taking care of AIDS patients, and working at one of the first AIDS Hospices in the Country. And because I was taking care of so many that were young and dying and many that were my friends, I wanted more than ever to bring some Life into this world. And so finally in my 30th year, after coping with severe Endometriosis for over 13 yrs I finally got Pregnant and was able to have a baby. It was a complicated pregnancy and a very dangerous delivery, but my son and I both survived and I was so thankful to finally have a Baby Boy. And 5 years later I would have to have a Hysterectomy due to the damage of the Endometriosis, so truly the Clock was ticking.....

And this summer while so many disparaging horrific falsehoods have been spread about this fine Medical Organization, few have remembered the Truth about the Medical Care they provide to so many. Less than 3% of their services are actually spent on Abortions. And they do provide Birth Control, but they also provide reproductive care, and that includes pregnancy care and prenatal care and even postnatal care and referrals to WIC. And they are providing care to young mothers and even those that want to be mothers.

And so this is my story, just one of millions, and why I am grateful to Planned Parenthood. They were there for me, and I try to be there for them. Through the years as a young Nursing Student and as a young Nurse I have tried to always donate Time, Supplies, and funds if I have them. There is no end to my gratitude.... I have a Son ...because of the Work they do.

Unexpected Beauty....

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"There is nothing you can see that is not a flower; there is nothing you can think that is not the moon. "(Matsuo Basho- Japanese poet)
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Nothing makes me happier than to see Something Beautiful...unexpected..unplanned....like walking the dog and suddenly seeing Purple Clematis or wild red roses on an abandoned house......It takes one's breath away....

And then there was Summer.....It's the little things that bring Happiness...

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Fixed up the front porch......I don't go out there much ....but it is nice to have a place to hang the flag....
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Fixed up the Back porch....my oasis...
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And I needed a desk....so I made one out of odds and ends.....
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painted the bathroom...and made curtains ( a woman in the hood was foreclosed...she threw our her 1955 Dotted Swiss Wedding Dress..most of it was ruined but I saved what I could and made curtains..)....Everything was found, the wonders of Curbside Shopping on Sundays......the glass vase...the beautiful stained glass...
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Our beautiful little yellow dog...lying in the sun......
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I made this , Stained glass art, glass marbles and beads and sandy mortar I call it " Rain on the Beach"....making something that reminds me of the Beach really cheers my soul....

The Porch and Mind Wanderings...

I have been working on my little back porch. It is my escape, my haven, my refuge from most things I don't want to think about. It is where I go to feed my soul and heal hidden wounds. It is where I go to let my mind wander.

The pots are all salvaged from the curb on Sunday Eves. Over the winter I painted them a pale creamy white to hide chips and damage. All winter I would walk every day, 15 minutes at least, and if the snow was deep and impossible I would walk to the Market and buy seeds while I cursed the Siberian Landscape. Those seeds were my hope....I bought vegetable seeds and petunia and clematis and morning glorys.....And as I trudged home from the market I would have green thoughts.

Truthfully I need an oasis at this point, I need a place of solitude to regroup and gather myself. But the three little girls next door are everywhere, constant motion and noise and energy. I finally realized that maybe I don't need silence, I need these little souls around me. They come and finger the plants, kindly offering help when I don't feel good, and asking for Popsicles or snacks. They have beautiful eyes and sweet souls.....and sometimes they just want to sit on the porch with the Purple lacy cushion. On some level I think they know I am feeling broken, and they know that they bring Light to my little porch.

The beautiful delicate Blown glass vase holds Lilacs...I can sit and read and smell them and that moment heals everything that went wrong during the day...And at night there is a candle that smells of pineapple and Rosemary and Thyme, I can sit in the dark and dream of other places to come and places that I hold dear....and people that I miss.

My Ex is dating.....We have been divorced 5 years, separated even longer. It is time. He has been kind about it, and we remain good close friends, talking almost daily. But I also know that he does not call me from home very often and he has been gentle in telling me he has plans or is going out. I know she is younger, and that they do things together. They go out for meals and go biking and for hikes. And on some level I know that my hiking and biking days are over, that I should be glad that he has someone to do these things that he loves. And they go out for meals, and that part really hurts, because no one takes me out for meals, and he actually rarely did that for me. Once I became a mom, he only took me out for a meal once. I remember it well, I paid for the meal and the sitter. And then Mothers Day came and went, there was nothing, no cards , no flowers, nothing. Not even a phone call. In many ways it should not upset me, as all of our marriage many Birthdays and Mothers Days passed with Nothing, but now that he was with someone else who is not a a mom...the sting was deeper this time.

So that weekend I worked on The Porch all weekend, it was a Gift to myself....I know that...I know that I sound petty and selfish saying that...

I planned the porch, I built a bench for a window seat to sit and read, but also a place to hide my recycling. I painted chairs and tables and found a beautiful color, "Evening in Paris" ( it looks like Sunset Indigo to me, but the color alone reminds me of California). Just having that color near makes me smile and forget where I am....My mind can wander....to Somewhere else and Away from Everything....
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The Garden planted...waiting...

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The Steps leading to the Porch....only 5 steps...no more Hill or 29 steps to get Home

Rain...and More Rain....

“Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby.”Langston Hughes

Being a Mama....

I blogged on Watergate Summer about President Obama and his mama,about the political implications of this photo. I am so struck by this photo, how young she looks. I loved that she is down on the ground with him , next to him. She looks so strong and yet so vulnerable in that moment. In a way that is what parenting is, captured moments...They are only small for such a small amount of time...it goes so fast. Too fast.

Beauty in a Broken Moment.....

Beauty is where you find it...in a moment...it can be small...it can be large...it can be fragile and even broken....but still it is there....The person who took this photo knew how to see beauty that others would have walked by....

Rain and More Rain....

"Some People just get wet, Some feel the Rain" Boy Dylan
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I love that she is Barefoot and that she is running and that Trees are there.....I love that she is in the Midst of it...I love that she is moving towards her Future....This winter was wretched...and it has been relatively cold this this spring, but finally Rains arrived this week and Storms....so maybe Spring is coming....or trying to....and I ready to embrace it....

Grabbing the Moment...

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."~Teddy Roosevelt
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I love this photo....I love that it is a Moment grabbed in time, held tenderly. This photo was taken by Henry Winkler while he was fishing and he posted it to Twitter in a generous moment of sharing. He was fishing and he turned around and realized that this view was precious....Bless him for that...

What do you see....What do you do....Open your heart...watch this video

Almost Spring....Smile Sneakers, Snickerdoodles, and ?

The Spring Moon....
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Seeking order, control.....
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20 Pound Wonder asleep in the "Dick Van Dyke " chair....
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Lilly waiting for a walkie...
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Curbside treasures, and some order
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Ice Alley
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The world's best SnickerDoodles...
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The Memory Quilt for 6-6...
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Pumpkin Curry Soup
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Smile Sneakers...to walk even 5 minutes on the treadmill.....
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It was a very long miserable winter, I did my best to cope with it and to make Peace with it and with my own body, but it was too long and I can not begin to explain how grateful I am to see a mere bud of a crocus.I did what I could to make it go faster, painting Treadmill Sneakers, admiring the Ice Alley, trying to create some order, appreciating the warm loving critters in my life.But I know I am desperate for Spring at this point. Grateful for Rains....hungering for warmth and Sun. I need to feel Hope running through my veins again...

Tap Dancing through Wet Cement...(Or What M.S. is really like )

Bear with me....Sometimes I feel small in All of this...this is only my 4th Blogpost on M.S. in many years of blogging.....
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It's pretty isn't it ? I love that you can tell someone carved it and painted it, worked the wood with love. I love that a friend gave it to me, that she bought it at Zoo in California and that it is made by a woman....I love that it is from a Baobab tree of Kenya...I love that it is to look like a Zebra....Which for me is so horse like...I love that it is a gift,but somehow it is the exact height for me, even though my lovely friend is an online friend and she was not so sure how tall I was...I love that it is So Arty...So well crafted....that it is so strong and so sturdy...I even named it...KENNY...( from Kenya...)....And in Winter I am so grateful to have Kenny...because well...Getting through Heavy Snow is like Tap Dancing through Wet Cement...But..

BUT....

But I wish it was for Someone Else...I wish it was not for me.....

In 2004 I was first diagnosed with MS when a disturbing pattern of symptoms collided in on me..actually it turned out to be a Multiple Diagnosis...but that is a much longer story for another time..Suffice it to say......A lovely neurologist on West Coast, said that she was concerned I had MS , perhaps ALS. She wanted to order Another MRI and she wanted to do Tests. But my Insurance at the time said no. I had had an MRI in 2002, and that was recent enough, that they would only cover one every 5 years. And yes there was some concerning "things" on it, some "spots", and yes it did warrant followup, but not another $1500 MRI they said. I remember joking well, Homer Simpson had crayon in his head, so maybe we should make sure of What the Said Spot was, make sure it was not a crayon...I was desperately trying to not have to really know what the Spot was...But.......( She didn't share my sense of humor...) If one wakes up with numb gripless hands and trouble swallowing one clings to Humor...and prays that their Insurance Company will do the Right Thing...But....

And about the Insurance Company....Gee it's not like I was asking to buy myself something of a Luxory, a damn Cruise or ill deserved Prada Shoes.... this was a Real Doctor asking to Look further at my Innerds because there was Something Wrong... And Since I had other symptoms the Doctor said it would be good to be evaluated further. And the Insurance Company said "Well if that is the case...We need you to go to one of our Centers of Excellence for further evaluation, we have Eight Hospitals in the Country you can choose." ( Yeah., because we know that when someone is Really sick they really want to travel ??? ) Long story short, for anyone who cares THIS is part of How I ended up in Cleveland....

Longer Story within 14 months of seeing her I was canceled by Insurance, not because of the MS, but because of Breast Cancer in my family. Yup....totally screwed over by TWO different companies...It amazes me...a Nurse what Crappy Insurance Companies we have Determining Level of Care and access of Care in this country..... A Thorough Doctor ordered some bloodwork related to Family History ( BRCA testing ) and Voila, within 4 weeks canceled....*POOF* No More Insurance, No More Medical Care...$440 dollars /month....swept away...( Which is damn ironic, because if anything Someone with a gene situation, a family history should be getting screened and checked and monitored...NOT Cancelled...and frankly damnit I think millions of Women are being discriminated against.......but that is a Beef for another day....)

So I have coped quietly with it...Ignored it, cursing it ever so silently.Other times fighting it...or even trying to Make Nice with it... But the last few years it has not been something I could ignore, not something I could curse so silently. I feel like I have the flu, all the time. "Fatigue " Is a REAL thing...I feel like I am drowning in it...its all encompassing..like a bed of quicksand a cold heavy sensation that requires a wrestling match to get out of bed.....And I don't cope with Temperature changes well, if I get Cold, I can not get warm. And if I wake up and my leg is "Numb" I know it will be like that all day, that I will drag it around like an old rotted piece of luggage.

And other nights , especially when I have been working that I will have leg cramps all night. And Stiffness, I wake up in the morning and give orders out to my limbs and Nothing happens, I lay there like a giant lump of Stale Playdough. I move through the day like the Tinman from the Wizard of Oz, creaking and getting stuck...Except there is no magic Oil Can....Other times I have fallen asleep and then when I wake up my arm is trapped underneath and I can't roll to get it out. It sounds almost comical, but it isn't.....And My Brain seems fine, ticking along and I know it still gives orders" Get up the Stairs"....but there are little dendrites down there ignoring the Orders...

But my brain is still ok...It is Still ME...still Thinking too much ...Worrying too much ...Reading too much....But on another level I know I am too sensitive...about ALL of THIS....A Friend sent me a video of a Model or a Beauty Queen falling....and I know she thought it was funny ...but for me it hit...it hit hard...it made me cry....It reminded me of that Sensation of falling...that OH NO sensation....and then the announcer on the video laughing too loudly ...it felt Cruel...it felt Real....for me I have fallen and people laugh....and been the Only One not laughing....So yeah, I guess my Sense of Humor is now damaged...and I tried to explain it to the friend....but I was left feeling empty and More Alone...off in the distance with my lack of Humor...my fear of falling...

Now back to The Cane. I don't use it all the time, only when I have to. So I wake up and I look out the window and there is new fresh snow,and it looks ever so pretty..... but I also know there is old snow and ice underneath Lurking. I use the cane because I know if I start to fall I have no way to get up. And I fall more now, even inside I fall. It happens when I am really tired, for no reason. It is like Someone came up and pulled the rug out from under me... KaPAM...Boom ...down I go before I can think or stop it. and then getting up depends on what is near by, what I can use to leverage myself. It becomes a Process thinking it all through...And I even joke with my son asking if I should yell Timber....

I used to have this amazing "Walk", I had this way of walking that people would look at. It was this way of entering a room. A way of being Strong even if doing so silently. I really miss that...Miss having people look at me when I enter the room, miss feeling that buoyant ...that Strong...that Indestructible. In my dreams...sleeping i still have that Look, that Walk....and the cane is never in the Dreams....



And I know that there are times I am really really tired and I know Stairs are getting harder and harder...and I know that someday I won't be able to do them. Even now there are certain days I start limiting the trips up and down the stairs, because if I get too tired I know I fall more, on the stairs, up or down....it doesn't even matter. And yes for anyone who knows it's true I moved this year because we lived on a house on a Hill. I called it Hell Hill 29 steps to the Front Door.....it was too much ...So Now I am on a flat street and 5 steps to the front door. Even Steps, and NO Hill.

It is so funny....No one would know I used to run Half Marathons or that I swam and was a lifeguard..I stare at my legs or my arms and I don't see any of that anymore..I see ??? Mashed Potatoes ? I think what happened to the Tone, where did it go ? From 2004 on I tried to work with hand weights, and that became laughable, from 3 to 2 to 1 pound. Now I use a Bean Can.....

When you don't have insurance you get Creative. You do things like a bean can as PT. You order antibiotics from Vet Companies ( for fish). And you go to the Doc in the Box for basic meds, and pray you are self medicating properly. When I sprained my ankle working at the market I used Duct Tape, and it worked like a charm....But it all becomes like a bad movie....except it is your life...

I know this is about Letting Go and Control and Letting the Changes come and Coping and Still trying to have some dignity and some grace and Learning to Cope and that Everyone has Something they are trying to Cope with....But I don't know ME anymore or my body...and I feel like I am letting go of pieces of me...in 20 directions...vision and hearing and coordination and I miss going for LONG walks and I hate always looking...SEARCHING for benches when I go for a walk.... I hate that I feel like I have just run 14 miles...all the time....that I wake up feeling like that .......


I hate that I can't run anymore....and that I can't even dance...and yoga ...well trying to hold poses is almost impossible...definitely something I can't do around others....that everything has become Watching...That I am too sensitive now...That Someone posts a Crass Joke about "Scooters" and I can't laugh...because I KNOW there is a scooter waiting for my in my future.,..just around the corner....And that I will have to move again to a place with no stairs....but I have to get my son to NYC...so that can't happen yet...not yet....

And people say...well...can you still Nurse, and I say , only certain kinds...I can 't be a Floor nurse any more...no more ER....I was a great ER nurse....really...but now everything revolves in planning how long I can stand.....I even worked at a grocery store for a while , attempting to get Health Insurance....and the bottom line is that all of that lifting and bending and standing was so so painful and I would get stiff and stuck...I could barely make it home at night....I would walk home and try to figure out how to get into the house without doing the 29 steps, and I finally found a way to crawl through the backyard bushes...I can laugh at it now...It all sounds so absurd...a Nurse working as a checker to try to get healthcare.....and then crawling through the yard to escape THE Evil Hill.

And people say well Apply for Disability....But if I do that I lose so so much...I lose my Nursing License...ME...I lose ME the Nurse and I lose even my driving License...So I am NOT willing to do that...Not yet....Because even if I am weak and "Stuck"...and laying in bed I can still help someone get the Hospice Care they need or diagnose my best friend's friend 6000 miles away with Typhoid....I still have ALL my nursing skills intact, I have cared for hundreds and hundreds and I am now supposed to LOSE THAT because I have trouble lifting a bag of groceries ? or standing for more than 20 minutes ? that just isn't right.....sorry....but it isn't....