Sunday, May 15, 2011

The Porch and Mind Wanderings...

I have been working on my little back porch. It is my escape, my haven, my refuge from most things I don't want to think about. It is where I go to feed my soul and heal hidden wounds. It is where I go to let my mind wander.

The pots are all salvaged from the curb on Sunday Eves. Over the winter I painted them a pale creamy white to hide chips and damage. All winter I would walk every day, 15 minutes at least, and if the snow was deep and impossible I would walk to the Market and buy seeds while I cursed the Siberian Landscape. Those seeds were my hope....I bought vegetable seeds and petunia and clematis and morning glorys.....And as I trudged home from the market I would have green thoughts.

Truthfully I need an oasis at this point, I need a place of solitude to regroup and gather myself. But the three little girls next door are everywhere, constant motion and noise and energy. I finally realized that maybe I don't need silence, I need these little souls around me. They come and finger the plants, kindly offering help when I don't feel good, and asking for Popsicles or snacks. They have beautiful eyes and sweet souls.....and sometimes they just want to sit on the porch with the Purple lacy cushion. On some level I think they know I am feeling broken, and they know that they bring Light to my little porch.

The beautiful delicate Blown glass vase holds Lilacs...I can sit and read and smell them and that moment heals everything that went wrong during the day...And at night there is a candle that smells of pineapple and Rosemary and Thyme, I can sit in the dark and dream of other places to come and places that I hold dear....and people that I miss.

My Ex is dating.....We have been divorced 5 years, separated even longer. It is time. He has been kind about it, and we remain good close friends, talking almost daily. But I also know that he does not call me from home very often and he has been gentle in telling me he has plans or is going out. I know she is younger, and that they do things together. They go out for meals and go biking and for hikes. And on some level I know that my hiking and biking days are over, that I should be glad that he has someone to do these things that he loves. And they go out for meals, and that part really hurts, because no one takes me out for meals, and he actually rarely did that for me. Once I became a mom, he only took me out for a meal once. I remember it well, I paid for the meal and the sitter. And then Mothers Day came and went, there was nothing, no cards , no flowers, nothing. Not even a phone call. In many ways it should not upset me, as all of our marriage many Birthdays and Mothers Days passed with Nothing, but now that he was with someone else who is not a a mom...the sting was deeper this time.

So that weekend I worked on The Porch all weekend, it was a Gift to myself....I know that...I know that I sound petty and selfish saying that...

I planned the porch, I built a bench for a window seat to sit and read, but also a place to hide my recycling. I painted chairs and tables and found a beautiful color, "Evening in Paris" ( it looks like Sunset Indigo to me, but the color alone reminds me of California). Just having that color near makes me smile and forget where I am....My mind can Somewhere else and Away from Everything....
The Garden planted...waiting...

The Steps leading to the Porch....only 5 more Hill or 29 steps to get Home


Fran said...

Just came across this post today. Well, you know you have to take care of you, you are the only one of you you've got.
Never feel guilty for that.

I feel burned from my oldest son, who never finds the time to send a simple text to say Happy Mother's day or Father's day or most all holidays.

Last year we bent over backwards, to attend his formal wedding cross country, buying formal clothes, shipping them x country ahead of time., flying there, rental car, hotel and put together a memorial for Grandpa.

Never got a thank you for the memorial except from perfect strangers, who commented the candle light memorial was the most beautiful--
and it took about 5 months for a thank you card from the couple.

We could not have made any more effort than we did to be there for them etc.
So there was hope he would then the corner &
be a bit more communicative.
Even a simple text from him for Mothers day would have been bare minimum nice.
But no.

So I have to lower my expectations, otherwise it does hurt. Once you;ve been a Mom, you know how much work & sacrifice is involved.
REwarding yes, but difficult & stressful too. It would be a lie to say parenting is pure joy... it is the full spectrum of both joy & difficulty,

So don;t you ever feel like something nice for you given to yourself as a gift is something to feel guilty about.

People need to recharge their batteries, and if no one else does, give themselves a pat on the back for a job well done.

enigma4ever said...

Oh fran....
that makes me so so sad...I remember how hard you worked to get to that wedding and how much you gave and your other son gave to that memorial ceremony....and what he wrote and's funny isn't it....our children are our seedlings in the world....we plant them...we tend them....nurture them...but in the end they turn out has more to do with something else ? I am not sure anymore....I do know that we love and nurture those around us....and pray they are loving and compassionate...that is all we can do...I wish it was more...and I wish we understood when the child grows up so ungrateful....? I am sorry...I read what you wrote and my heart was so sad....What saddens me is that my ex taught my son that holidays are not precious...and for me they are...and I can't change that.......anyways...the porch now is oasis is complete with chimes and chrysal and a bird feeder, and they are lovely company.....and they are grateful....and in the end...finding a little solace and little gratitude is all that I seek....many hugs fran...I will light a candle for you tonight.....and send you some gratitude...