Monday, December 14, 2009

My Favorite Market that I still even dream about...and Other Beach Dreams

Back in 2004 for 18 months my son and I lived in Pacific Grove California, and it was an amazing experience. In Many ways it was the hardest time of my life and in other ways it was the greatest adventure.We lived in a dilapitated old Victorian Rooming House and we shared a room. I had a window over the little Corner Kitchen Sink. I could stand in the mornings and make Tea and smell the Ocean and taste the breeze.At nigh the Deer would come munch on the bushes and shrubs at the bottom of the stairs, and my basset Abby would look at them softly with her big brown eyes. (Abby had spent her early years on a farm,so we thought that maybe she viewed them as goats.) And at night the seals would bark down at the Beach mere blocks away -So Abby would yodel back to them. My son and I boogied boarded and got wet suits and explored the Tide Pools and located Sandwich shops. And we figured out whenever the Power went out due to Storms, which was often, that many little shops halfpriced their goods.

And we found the Pacific Grove Market, that was full of Wonders, British Teas and cookies, and fresh fruits and vegetables.And we became "Fun Doo" Experts dipping vegis and fruit and bagels in the warm gooey crockpot of cheese. And we made Noodles with all kinds of vegetables.And we read many books and newspapers blissfully. And the Library turned out to be a wonderful find,walking there to treasure is those Memories I wrap around me late at night when it is cold and snowing....It is why I still wear my Flip Flops in the house....all year...It is why I dream about the Market at night....
Someone made a great Sunset video....

Have dreamt about PG many times over the past month...I have no idea why....maybe I am homesick...anyways..all good memories...

Saturday, December 12, 2009

About Hope....It is a Journey, A Train Ride

{{ About the photo I wish I could remember who posted it on Twitter...I think it was MeanderingSoul, but not certain...either way it is so amazing }}
There are lessons to be learned from this year. How to still have Hope in spite of great strife,obstruction,and Hate. How to hold it dear, how to nurture it, how to sustain it. I will never ever take it for granted again. I will never look at it as the Ticket to the Future, I will appreciate that like a Train Ride, there will be bumps in the path, and damage to the Tracks. There will be other passengers on the Train, some will lack manners and befoul the Journey. But as the train moves along the tracks we can move to another seat, look out another window,we can change the ride.....
~Miracles~ By Jefferson Starship....

Tangerine Dream " Love on a Real Train" (note the Depression Era Footage...)

Thursday, December 03, 2009

About MS.....The Price of Reality...

The Leaves have fallen now...all of them....and It is up to me to face some harsh Realities.

First off I need to say I am very very grateful that my son is growing up to be a Fine Young man and that he talks to me....and that he is a Thinking Caring Compassionate wise soul....and that he is and has been patient through all of this....and that his dad has been helping us get through a pretty miserable time....I am very thankful...and that is why I hate that my gratitude is so tarnished....

At some point I need to write about this....I need to let it out of my heart...I need to find a way to fight it but still make peace with it...I need to find a way to have hope but make my way with this miserable companion.I have not a clue how to do any of those things...I have been the caregiver too long, I have no idea how to be anything else. How many years can I justify this lack of care ? Four? Five ? How long is too long ? 2005 seems like yesterday, it seems like 20 years ago.

The sad yet silly truth of it is- I have NO way to take care of it or deal with "It"- or even try to fight it. Not because I am not wise enough or brave enough, but because Corporate Entities have dictated my circumstances....I am UnInsured,Cancelled, soiled,spent,set aside like rotting garbage at a curb in my own country. How do I pretend to Understand or Explain THAT ? Or that it is happening to Millions of us ? How Can I say that it does not anger me?

During this Healthcare Battle I have been forced to examine much of my life has been manipulated and manhandled by Insurance Companies....and while working as a Nurse caring for hundreds of people, my own care was always rationed sparingly...It is senseless, demeaning, mind boggling. It means all that care I Gave meant Nothing in the scheme of things, that Giving Care is only meant for others, it has no value to the Bean Counters. Watching the DC Sausage Machine I was humiliated that suddenly the Costs of Healthcare were flung about the chambers like rotted vegetables. One GOP lawmaker said "that the Dems wanting to care for people was like watching a Wife let loose with a credit Card". And I watched Grassley quote Andrew Jackson- yes, the one president who died in 1845, and It gave new perspective to the phrase "Out of Touch". But the Corporations and the Lawmakers have Abandoned Humanity. And yes, abandoned millions of people just like me.

Can I face the next four years with No Insurance ?No real Medical Care? and No Chance of Insurance ? Is it right that I stay up night after night with THAT question banging through my brain,numbing my senses and wishing praying for another reality ? How many of us stay up night after night staring at a clock,listening to it tick, stealing time....the Worry Gift that it is. Time is no longer measured in Hours, it is measured in Dollars, and Lawmakers and Corporate Powers measure us in Dollars, not Life or Quality of Life. These past six months can not heal that perverse Reality.....

And I can not change that this reality hit after many monthes of watching HCR be haggled over like a grown hog....And hate mail that was beyond civilized,letters from those abroad questioning our Broken Country ( "What Kind of Country does not take care of it's People?" Your Healthcare System is like watching Katrina again" said a wise Scot)....I can not change that I had this Reality Correction during Thanksgiving, a time when I should be so grateful, and usually am....And I am left here angry,confused, Millions of Americans....and deep down I think that What is Happening is Very UnAmerican.

Music to heal..

Jakata....Seal and Thomas Newman...really stunning..."My Vision"