Thursday, December 03, 2009
The Leaves have fallen now...all of them....and It is up to me to face some harsh Realities.
First off I need to say I am very very grateful that my son is growing up to be a Fine Young man and that he talks to me....and that he is a Thinking Caring Compassionate wise soul....and that he is and has been patient through all of this....and that his dad has been helping us get through a pretty miserable time....I am very thankful...and that is why I hate that my gratitude is so tarnished....
At some point I need to write about this....I need to let it out of my head...my heart...I need to find a way to fight it but still make peace with it...I need to find a way to have hope but make my way with this miserable companion.I have not a clue how to do any of those things...I have been the caregiver too long, I have no idea how to be anything else. How many years can I justify this lack of care ? Four? Five ? How long is too long ? 2005 seems like yesterday, it seems like 20 years ago.
The sad yet silly truth of it is- I have NO way to take care of it or deal with "It"- or even try to fight it. Not because I am not wise enough or brave enough, but because Corporate Entities have dictated my circumstances....I am UnInsured,Cancelled, soiled,spent,set aside like rotting garbage at a curb in my own country. How do I pretend to Understand or Explain THAT ? Or that it is happening to Millions of us ? How Can I say that it does not anger me?
During this Healthcare Battle I have been forced to examine much of my life has been manipulated and manhandled by Insurance Companies....and while working as a Nurse caring for hundreds of people, my own care was always rationed sparingly...It is senseless, demeaning, mind boggling. It means all that care I Gave meant Nothing in the scheme of things, that Giving Care is only meant for others, it has no value to the Bean Counters. Watching the DC Sausage Machine I was humiliated that suddenly the Costs of Healthcare were flung about the chambers like rotted vegetables. One GOP lawmaker said "that the Dems wanting to care for people was like watching a Wife let loose with a credit Card". And I watched Grassley quote Andrew Jackson- yes, the one president who died in 1845, and It gave new perspective to the phrase "Out of Touch". But the Corporations and the Lawmakers have Abandoned Humanity. And yes, abandoned millions of people just like me.
Can I face the next four years with No Insurance ?No real Medical Care? and No Chance of Insurance ? Is it right that I stay up night after night with THAT question banging through my brain,numbing my senses and wishing praying for another reality ? How many of us stay up night after night staring at a clock,listening to it tick, stealing time....the Worry Gift that it is. Time is no longer measured in Hours, it is measured in Dollars, and Lawmakers and Corporate Powers measure us in Dollars, not Life or Quality of Life. These past six months can not heal that perverse Reality.....
And I can not change that this reality hit after many monthes of watching HCR be haggled over like a grown hog....And hate mail that was beyond civilized,letters from those abroad questioning our Broken Country ( "What Kind of Country does not take care of it's People?" Your Healthcare System is like watching Katrina again" said a wise Scot)....I can not change that I had this Reality Correction during Thanksgiving, a time when I should be so grateful, and usually am....And I am left here angry,confused, dissillusioned.....like Millions of Americans....and deep down I think that What is Happening is Very UnAmerican.