THE ENIGMA CAFE

About Love....

2012-02-10T02:29:00.001-05:00

"Love is a fabric which never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the water of adversity and grief."~~ Unkown

Reflexology...and Accupressure....( Hand Diagram)

2012-02-10T02:28:00.001-05:00

Love For All....

2012-02-09T14:43:00.000-05:00

Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving. ~Kahlil Gibran // #Love4All....across the whole country...#BringItOn

Meditation Chant and Music....and some yoga

2012-02-01T17:50:00.001-05:00

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Yoga and Meditation.....(Yin Yoga , floor yoga and poses to soothe muscles and nerves)

2012-02-01T17:38:00.017-05:00

I have tried to pick poses that can be held for 3-5 minutes and will soothe muscles not cause pain or heat, as this does not help those with arthritis or MS or Muscle ailments, I am still working on the proper order....but the poses of Corpse,Cobra,Lotus, Cat, Fish, and others can be done on the floor and with support and breathing can also provide relief from spasms or pain.
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Blue Lake
*Deborah Martin "Blue Lake" music
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Making Changes...to Create Changes....

2012-01-31T14:07:00.005-05:00

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Okay so spent most of January making some needed changes, MS wise things are not where I want them to be. I am preparing for a big Move in the Spring and I need to be in better shape. And between immune issues ( back to back ear infections and an eye bleed) and more muscle issues, I decided come changes were in order.

(1) The hot bathes in the morning are really not helping the muscles, in a way they make things worse. ( it seemed logical, as I am in unheated attic and bathroom, but really it just makes the spasms worse, I personally think living somewhere with Heat in my bedroom will really help).

(2) Changed back to Yoga in morning. 30 Minutes, I call it floor yoga, I have spent weeks trying to assess which poses feel good and sooth muscles. ( it is actually Yin Yoga, or cold yoga, it does not cause any of the "Burn" of hot yoga or Yang Yoga).I also added 8-10 minutes of Meditation to it.

(3) In after afternoon treadmill for as long as I can tolerate it, this ranges from 15-20 minutes, but if I do this twice a day, I think I will have less spasms at night. ( I still walk dog twice day for long walks, but it is a lot of stopping and starting and in the cold, it really causes spasms). The rule on the treadmill is that I MUST make it through atleast 4 songs, and 6 on days that I don't walk far outside. ( AND treadmill must be set to 3 for speed....)

(5) MAJOR DIET CHANGES.....
No More Dairy...Period.
No More Wheat..Period.
Egg Wise ONLY One Per Week
Vegan diet for now combined with Gluten free SWANK diet
Occasional FISH ( but only if craving really badly and only certain White fish, and NO salt)
NO SALT at all...period ( between chest pain and headaches it 's just too much trouble all around).
Smoothies daily ( might help heal Gut and GERD too) ( add Hemp Protein Powder)
Sugar wise, only Raw or Brown allowed
Fruits and Vegi's pretty freely exploring....cooked and raw
No Bread esp White Bread
Peanut Butter ( found some with NO sugar and no added salt or oil-good on bananas's)
Rice Cheese is really pretty good

** Photo is Smoothie and lunch...red peppers with basil /cilantro spread ( made from my garden and frozen) and rice cheese shredded, and smidge of No Fat Raspberry Pecan dressing.....really good)

More Soulfood.....Music to take us to another time, another place...

2012-01-29T13:04:00.002-05:00

Blue Lake
Deborah Martin " Blue Lake"

Thursday Meditation...Rain, A Garden, some music

2012-01-12T09:53:00.007-05:00

I made this garden at our old place....Summer 2008...No Money...Just Plants saved from Foreclosed homes and rocks that I found and pots and planters from the Curbs on Sunday Evening. ( I call it Curbside Shopping...I collect pots and planters all winter, cleaning and fixing and painting them....and when spring comes I am ready....) This garden was under 10 dollars....but I loved it, I loved standing at the back window in the Kitchen and watching the rabbits and squirrels and birds at the makeshift Birdbath. I would stand humming when it rained drying dishes, but transported....I loved that it made my heart sing...and that it was like a hidden secret...

Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby.~~Langston Hughes

Reflections on Haiti 2 years since Quake...

2012-01-12T09:37:00.019-05:00

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."~~
Mother Teresa

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This school is the only completed school, it is a Middle School, for 750, it is completely rebuilt since the Quake, it is the Academy of Peace and Justice, rebuilt and funds raised by artists and the film community..... APJ worked with the St.Luke Organization to create this school.
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About the work of Artists for Peace and Justice...

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About the School that APJ built...

2011 New Wing Opening Ceremony from bryn mooser on Vimeo.

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"I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you know your next door neighbor?"~~
Mother Teresa
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It's been 2 years since the devastating Quake in Haiti, so much destruction and so much death, and yet the word gave and came together after that quake, and it yet it is still on many levels broken, shattered, undone....250,000 lives lost and still over 500,000 homeless and living in rubble. It bothers me that all of us gave and sent money...yet I see children still in the camps, schools still not rebuilt, and children with no shoes walking by debris piles...It is the one place my heart still goes easily and I dream of it at night and can hear creole...The streets there are so familiar and I can't explain it , but I do think my future is tied to this place....It's odd how Creole and Thai, my heart and brain understand...The only two places that have tugged at my heart...my dreams...my soul...And the world in many ways has moved on, I watched the news this morn, and Haiti was not mentioned....and that is why there are still piles of rubble there....We are so good at "Moving On" that we are not good at "Showing Up and Seeing it Through"....
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"If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one."~~
Mother Teresa
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This Eddie Vedder song ...about Ruins is what comes to mind about Haiti...not sure why...

Remembering Martin Luther King...

2012-01-12T07:25:00.001-05:00

[This was originally posted on Watergate Summer 2006/2007 , in honor of MLK I am reposting and honoring those of us that grew up in the Sixties and remember having Leaders violently taken....Remembering how we as children had Dreams.]

Whenever I think of the year that Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy were taken from us, I also think of my Aunts. In particular my Aunt May. She lived in downtown Baltimore on Eutaw Street in a mammoth old brownstone during the 1960's, her last decade.

She was my great great Aunt. Her real name was Margaret May , her stage name was Margeurite.She had lived quite a life by the time I stumbled band aids and chewing gum, into her historic living room. Her house was like a museum, full of trinkets and precious relics from around the world and a lifetime of adventures and secrets. She was born after the Civil War in Kentucky. She spent her early years wandering with her dad, from Virginia to DC to Kentucky. And as she grew older she would help carry his supplies. Her mother died when she was small, and she was always blaming that for a lack of ladylike manners.

Her dad was one of Lincoln's photographers, he traveled with the Brady Pack. He didn't make alot of money, but he did get to keep the rejected plates and the faulted pictures. ( And in case you are wondering- Lincoln was NOT photogenic, and he really did have a good side, and a not so good side). The old photographs were kept up on the 3rd floor, lined up around the walls. They told of a Lincoln that we never saw in the History books. They showed him dozing in a chair, playing cards in a tent with Union troops, and hugging one of his sons. There were none with his wife "And Don't that about say IT All, although I heard she didn't photograph so well." Aunt May used to say. There were also photographs of battle scenes, bloody carnage and singed buildings that remained stained with blood , even though they were not in color.These graphic pictures fascinated me. Even shots from surgery tents."Whelp, she is fascinated with the bloody medical stuff, she will be a surgeon or a Killer" Aunt May would joke to my grandmother. Flo would tell her to shush.

I would go to visit my Aunt May with my grandmother ,especially that particular April as my mom's Dad was in the hospital at Hopkins that spring, and we had just moved back from Indiana that winter, and she needed my sister and I out of her hair. Aunt May 's museum was my first choice, my sister went to a friend's house. Aunt May had pictures from around the world, places she had traveled and sang.Her house was big lumbering Brownstone it was a Museum that you could smell and touch the past. When you opened the door it hit you in waves, the aromas , dusty books,Strong Black Tea, French Perfume, Myr and Patchouli from India,and Okra Gumbo steeping on the back stove. She was an Opera Singer and Actress in the early 1900's. Her stage name had been Marguerite. Her old programs were also in a box in the 3rd floor. She was a beauty, she sang, danced, acted and did Vaudeville. She had long flowing hair and beautiful eyes. She was even painted by some pretty famous painters in Europe, in some very interesting outfits.And yet when she spoke she still had a Kentucky lilt. She told amazing stories that were all her own.

She would come up to the 3rd floor with me and sit on an old velvet stool and show me the old photos from all over that her dad had taken, of the South after the war, freed slaves, and coal miners, and also urban pictures of life in downtown Baltimore in the Victorian Era, and even of the Baltimore Fire ( when her dad ran out to get the pictures and almost lost his house in his own fiery enthusiasm. ). She had saved them all, the plates were carefully separated with felt and tissue. She also had her Entire collection of National Geographic, she had been one of the First Women to join the "Society", and she was proud of that. She also was one of the first women to vote in Baltimore. She gave me my first Brownie camera and said I was going to be a photojournalist.( I used to wonder if she knew I became a nurse, and was she disappointed.) She and my grandmother would give me little notebooks and I would question people at the family events and write down their stories. ( My pictures never quite turned out).

Now the funny thing was that some of the other peripheral Aunties , that I was not close to , but who did come to the Family events used to say that she was a "Lesbian", in that loud hushed falsetto whisper that would make any one cringe. She used to laugh about it. One day we were cleaning her room and she said with a bold "Do you want to meet my men?" I of course said "sure".
She brought out a huge old hat box, inside were photos and love letters and it was pretty full. My grandmother walked in , right when I was asking " But Granny Ethel says that you like Women better than Men ?" She and my grandmother both laughed.

" Well, I have never been able to know what to do about That, I guess I should have told the truth. Ethel is my cousin and she is a good godfearing Christian, and I was afraid if she knew that I had had affairs with quite a few married men, that all my holidays would have been spent listening to how fast I was going to Hell. And for some reason the Women story was just easier, it rendered her speechless.She had Jesus and I had my men."

We were at her house the night that Martin Luther King was shot dead and Robert Kennedy spoke about it, and the radio replayed it. (At this point in my life I always picture the video we see of Bobby Kennedy speaking on the back of the truck to the crowds in Indianapolis). Aunt May said " Now the Trouble will Begin." I didn't know what she meant, and I didn't know why she was so upset, I only knew that I had chills and a deep emptiness. She hustled into the Kitchen and began making soup, this she did whenever she was troubled. She would chop, dump and stir, and the pot would boil and hiss. Flo said " Now May you don't know that...for certain". "Oh, Yes I do." Flo didn't say another word. She used to say that May had a way of Knowing Things. I asked her was it like fortune telling.I needed to Know. She said it was more like predicting weather, and that of all the Aunties , May always Knew things first. Things that Mattered.

I remember Robert Kennedy that night, and I asked" Aunt May if he was Hated too? ""or did people fear him? "She shook her head and cried as she stirred the soup witb rage, angst and sorrow. She was 90 years old. I was almost eight, just days away. And that night there was singing outside, hymns and gospel songs and Aunt May went and got candles to put in the windows.She was too upset to sing. We stayed and then went home late.It rained as we drove home. Flo said "Maybe God was crying with us". I remember hearing the wipers squeak and handing her Kleenex and lifesavers out of the box on the seat. It was a sad rain. And the lifesavers tasted salty.

Later that spring as summer came Aunt May explained that she had had voice pupils that now were grown and that she taught in Boston and that they told her about Coretta Scott King, and how she went to Boston, and that she had the Voice of an Angel. And that she fell in love with Martin in the early 1950's and he fell in love with her. Aunt May talked about how they loved each other and how they Believed in each other. She said, now that isn't Romance, that is true Love. They Marched together. They shared a Cause. She said" Now , yes, if I had found That, I would have been married." She also explained that she Knew that Coretta would Never remarry. She talked about their Love, and trying to raise children with bombs and threats and Martin being taken to Jail. She used to talk to me about it, because she said she was worried that I wasn't get "Taught Right at school. They keep everything too Damn Polite".

Aunt May lived in an all Black section of downtown Baltimore, but she had lived in the house, and owned it herself for over 30 years.My grandmother was always trying to talk her into moving uptown with her and Ted, but she would shush her pretty fast. She was very stubborn. "This is MY Home and these are my neighbors, and we all know each other. They don't treat me like some fragile old person, they treat me with respect. They don't care what color I am. You go home and tell Ted that." ( Ted was granny Ethel's eldest son and he had some strong feelings about the eccentric old aunt that refused to leave downtown ). And later that summer The Riots happened after Robert Kennedy was killed and we came to her house one day and found Baseball bats behind her door. Flo was not happy about this find. "May???". Aunt May shook her head. " Please , please think about coming Uptown with us?"
" They are grieving, angry. They are my neighbors. I will not abandon my neighbors during times of Trouble.This is my Home."

It turned out that each evening the Men of the neighborhood would come and sit with Missy May, and guard her house. And yes, they were black, and it didn't matter to her, and it didn't matter to them. They were neighbors.She would serve them soup and they would talk as Downtown Burned. And yes a bottle of best bourbon was shared for strength and they sat there in the dark with baseball bats. And she would sing softly. She got through the Baltimore Riots with not so much as a broken window.

She used to sing "This Old Man" and "Where Have all the Flowers Gone"," Amazing Grace" and brush my hair, and later when I had a baby of my own I realized how grateful I was that she taught me that lullabies are for Troubled Times and Troubled Souls.Once again we are living in Troubled Times.

May Coretta be remembered as the Brave Wise Woman that Marched with Martin by his side, and sang to his Soul, and carried on his Work and his Love, and The Dream.

My Planned Parenthood Story....

2011-08-22T12:54:00.009-04:00

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As a young girl folks don't know this, but I moved out Early, and also fell in love early. Finding Love was easy enough in the Seventies, but finding Birth Control was not as easy. And I was not the kind of girl to talk about sex or birth control. I was shy, nerdy and a little geeky. But I also was the kind of girl to have strange goals. I was very much in love the Summer of 1976 and it was my First Love. We decided that we wanted to Celebrate Independence Day in a momentous way. So yes, I lost my Virginity on Our Country's 200th Birthday, I guess you could say that makes me rather Patriotic....And to add to my patriotic Legacy, 14 years later I actually got pregnant on Independence Day......Planned Parenthood is a dear part of my Reproductive History, and truth be told I would not have my son without them.

Planned Parenthood entered the scene while I was in High school. It was the first place where we could go to get Birth Control and The Pill. This was the Era where Abortion became Legal, but when also backroom abortions were still happening. So the Fear of getting pregnant was very real for young girls and women. For girls and women Sex and Birth Control and Abortion and Pregnancy were still not topics easily discussed or shared. The person who really shared and taught me was my 79 year old Aunt Elizabeth. She was Widowed and that 16th summer I got my Drivers License I would drive her to meet her "lover", and it opened up many conversations to Life Lessons I sorely needed. There are not many people that show up to their Planned Parenthood appointment with the Great Aunt asking questions about the Newest Birth Control. ( She wanted to see "The Diaphragm" and once she saw it, and held it in her hand " Well, isn't that Ingenious !" in her soft West Virginia way. )

So off I went to Planned Parenthood to learn about Birth Control and also sex and also my Period. It was finally a place where I could ask questions and learn what I needed to know. My last two years of High School I went to an All Boys School, where I quickly realized that I didn't want sex yet and that I knew nothing about my body. And for someone who is a Science geek that was a heavy realization. I also realized that I wanted to Fall in Love, but that I didn't want Sex until I fell in Love. ( So much for my mother's theory that I was "sex crazed" and that was WHY I wanted to go to the Boy's School. Truth be told I wanted to go to the Boys School because they had excellent Science and Math courses that I craved. I went on a scholarship and graduated early. And to be honest at that School I learned that Boys could be my friends, and I learned that I suck at Dating.)

But for me I also learned that there were things about me that I needed to know. By the time I was almost 20 I learned thank to Planned Parenthood that I did indeed have Endometriosis. This diagnosis would change everything, it would change how I felt about Sex and my body. I thought there was Something Wrong with me, that I was not enjoying my young body or Sex. But Planned Parenthood helped me understand that all of the Pain and the Bleeding were not in my "head" and that I was not "defective". They helped me get medicine for the Pain and they would rehydrate me when I was dehydrated from the bleeding. And they even had advice about the Sexual issues that plague such a disease. And they also early on explained to me that Endometriosis must be taken seriously as it does effect the ability to have Babies and stay Pregnant.

And so over the years while in Nursing School and as a young nurse with limited income Planned Parenthood did help me cope with this Disease. And that also meant they helped me cope with 4 miscarriages before I ever was to get pregnant and have my son. Most people think of Planned Parenthood and they think of Abortion Aid, but they don't realize that Planned Parenthood helps Millions of Young Women take care of their bodies and cope with so many other reproductive issues. For me they helped me find Hope while I coped with a disease that was indeed posing reproductive challenges. And by the time I was 29 Living in Seattle, they helped me find Doctors working with Endometriosis and Fertility Challenges and with High Risk Pregnancies. And all of those years Planned Parenthood helped me with the excessive Bleeding, the dangerous Hematocrits, the Dehydration, the Infections, and yes, the pain and loss of miscarriages.

And so by the time I was 30 and living in Seattle I still very much wanted a child. I was taking care working ER and also taking care of AIDS patients, and working at one of the first AIDS Hospices in the Country. And because I was taking care of so many that were young and dying and many that were my friends, I wanted more than ever to bring some Life into this world. And so finally in my 30th year, after coping with severe Endometriosis for over 13 yrs I finally got Pregnant and was able to have a baby. It was a complicated pregnancy and a very dangerous delivery, but my son and I both survived and I was so thankful to finally have a Baby Boy. And 5 years later I would have to have a Hysterectomy due to the damage of the Endometriosis, so truly the Clock was ticking.....

And this summer while so many disparaging horrific falsehoods have been spread about this fine Medical Organization, few have remembered the Truth about the Medical Care they provide to so many. Less than 3% of their services are actually spent on Abortions. And they do provide Birth Control, but they also provide reproductive care, and that includes pregnancy care and prenatal care and even postnatal care and referrals to WIC. And they are providing care to young mothers and even those that want to be mothers.

And so this is my story, just one of millions, and why I am grateful to Planned Parenthood. They were there for me, and I try to be there for them. Through the years as a young Nursing Student and as a young Nurse I have tried to always donate Time, Supplies, and funds if I have them. There is no end to my gratitude.... I have a Son ...because of the Work they do.

Unexpected Beauty....

2011-06-16T01:13:00.008-04:00

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"There is nothing you can see that is not a flower; there is nothing you can think that is not the moon. "(Matsuo Basho- Japanese poet)
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Nothing makes me happier than to see Something Beautiful...unexpected..unplanned....like walking the dog and suddenly seeing Purple Clematis or wild red roses on an abandoned house......It takes one's breath away....

And then there was Summer.....It's the little things that bring Happiness...

2011-06-15T16:37:00.014-04:00

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Fixed up the front porch......I don't go out there much ....but it is nice to have a place to hang the flag....
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Fixed up the Back porch....my oasis...
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And I needed a desk....so I made one out of odds and ends.....
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painted the bathroom...and made curtains ( a woman in the hood was foreclosed...she threw our her 1955 Dotted Swiss Wedding Dress..most of it was ruined but I saved what I could and made curtains..)....Everything was found, the wonders of Curbside Shopping on Sundays......the glass vase...the beautiful stained glass...
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Our beautiful little yellow dog...lying in the sun......
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I made this , Stained glass art, glass marbles and beads and sandy mortar I call it " Rain on the Beach"....making something that reminds me of the Beach really cheers my soul....

The Porch and Mind Wanderings...

2011-05-15T15:16:00.005-04:00

I have been working on my little back porch. It is my escape, my haven, my refuge from most things I don't want to think about. It is where I go to feed my soul and heal hidden wounds. It is where I go to let my mind wander.

The pots are all salvaged from the curb on Sunday Eves. Over the winter I painted them a pale creamy white to hide chips and damage. All winter I would walk every day, 15 minutes at least, and if the snow was deep and impossible I would walk to the Market and buy seeds while I cursed the Siberian Landscape. Those seeds were my hope....I bought vegetable seeds and petunia and clematis and morning glorys.....And as I trudged home from the market I would have green thoughts.

Truthfully I need an oasis at this point, I need a place of solitude to regroup and gather myself. But the three little girls next door are everywhere, constant motion and noise and energy. I finally realized that maybe I don't need silence, I need these little souls around me. They come and finger the plants, kindly offering help when I don't feel good, and asking for Popsicles or snacks. They have beautiful eyes and sweet souls.....and sometimes they just want to sit on the porch with the Purple lacy cushion. On some level I think they know I am feeling broken, and they know that they bring Light to my little porch.

The beautiful delicate Blown glass vase holds Lilacs...I can sit and read and smell them and that moment heals everything that went wrong during the day...And at night there is a candle that smells of pineapple and Rosemary and Thyme, I can sit in the dark and dream of other places to come and places that I hold dear....and people that I miss.

My Ex is dating.....We have been divorced 5 years, separated even longer. It is time. He has been kind about it, and we remain good close friends, talking almost daily. But I also know that he does not call me from home very often and he has been gentle in telling me he has plans or is going out. I know she is younger, and that they do things together. They go out for meals and go biking and for hikes. And on some level I know that my hiking and biking days are over, that I should be glad that he has someone to do these things that he loves. And they go out for meals, and that part really hurts, because no one takes me out for meals, and he actually rarely did that for me. Once I became a mom, he only took me out for a meal once. I remember it well, I paid for the meal and the sitter. And then Mothers Day came and went, there was nothing, no cards , no flowers, nothing. Not even a phone call. In many ways it should not upset me, as all of our marriage many Birthdays and Mothers Days passed with Nothing, but now that he was with someone else who is not a a mom...the sting was deeper this time.

So that weekend I worked on The Porch all weekend, it was a Gift to myself....I know that...I know that I sound petty and selfish saying that...

I planned the porch, I built a bench for a window seat to sit and read, but also a place to hide my recycling. I painted chairs and tables and found a beautiful color, "Evening in Paris" ( it looks like Sunset Indigo to me, but the color alone reminds me of California). Just having that color near makes me smile and forget where I am....My mind can wander....to Somewhere else and Away from Everything....
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The Garden planted...waiting...

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The Steps leading to the Porch....only 5 steps...no more Hill or 29 steps to get Home

Rain...and More Rain....

2011-04-30T05:54:00.000-04:00

“Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby.”Langston Hughes

Being a Mama....

2011-04-26T13:28:00.003-04:00

I blogged on Watergate Summer about President Obama and his mama,about the political implications of this photo. I am so struck by this photo, how young she looks. I loved that she is down on the ground with him , next to him. She looks so strong and yet so vulnerable in that moment. In a way that is what parenting is, captured moments...They are only small for such a small amount of time...it goes so fast. Too fast.

Beauty in a Broken Moment.....

2011-04-26T01:22:00.000-04:00

Beauty is where you find it...in a moment...it can be small...it can be large...it can be fragile and even broken....but still it is there....The person who took this photo knew how to see beauty that others would have walked by....

Rain and More Rain....

2011-04-25T13:12:00.001-04:00

"Some People just get wet, Some feel the Rain" Boy Dylan
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I love that she is Barefoot and that she is running and that Trees are there.....I love that she is in the Midst of it...I love that she is moving towards her Future....This winter was wretched...and it has been relatively cold this this spring, but finally Rains arrived this week and Storms....so maybe Spring is coming....or trying to....and I ready to embrace it....

Grabbing the Moment...

2011-04-24T12:12:00.003-04:00

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."~Teddy Roosevelt
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I love this photo....I love that it is a Moment grabbed in time, held tenderly. This photo was taken by Henry Winkler while he was fishing and he posted it to Twitter in a generous moment of sharing. He was fishing and he turned around and realized that this view was precious....Bless him for that...

What do you see....What do you do....Open your heart...watch this video

2011-04-23T14:49:00.000-04:00

Almost Spring....Smile Sneakers, Snickerdoodles, and ?

2011-04-23T14:05:00.002-04:00

The Spring Moon....
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Seeking order, control.....
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20 Pound Wonder asleep in the "Dick Van Dyke " chair....
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Lilly waiting for a walkie...
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Curbside treasures, and some order
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Ice Alley
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The world's best SnickerDoodles...
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The Memory Quilt for 6-6...
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Pumpkin Curry Soup
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Smile Sneakers...to walk even 5 minutes on the treadmill.....
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It was a very long miserable winter, I did my best to cope with it and to make Peace with it and with my own body, but it was too long and I can not begin to explain how grateful I am to see a mere bud of a crocus.I did what I could to make it go faster, painting Treadmill Sneakers, admiring the Ice Alley, trying to create some order, appreciating the warm loving critters in my life.But I know I am desperate for Spring at this point. Grateful for Rains....hungering for warmth and Sun. I need to feel Hope running through my veins again...

Tap Dancing through Wet Cement...(Or What M.S. is really like )

2011-01-18T02:00:00.014-05:00

Bear with me....Sometimes I feel small in All of this...this is only my 4th Blogpost on M.S. in many years of blogging.....
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It's pretty isn't it ? I love that you can tell someone carved it and painted it, worked the wood with love. I love that a friend gave it to me, that she bought it at Zoo in California and that it is made by a woman....I love that it is from a Baobab tree of Kenya...I love that it is to look like a Zebra....Which for me is so horse like...I love that it is a gift,but somehow it is the exact height for me, even though my lovely friend is an online friend and she was not so sure how tall I was...I love that it is So Arty...So well crafted....that it is so strong and so sturdy...I even named it...KENNY...( from Kenya...)....And in Winter I am so grateful to have Kenny...because well...Getting through Heavy Snow is like Tap Dancing through Wet Cement...But..

BUT....

But I wish it was for Someone Else...I wish it was not for me.....

In 2004 I was first diagnosed with MS when a disturbing pattern of symptoms collided in on me..actually it turned out to be a Multiple Diagnosis...but that is a much longer story for another time..Suffice it to say......A lovely neurologist on West Coast, said that she was concerned I had MS , perhaps ALS. She wanted to order Another MRI and she wanted to do Tests. But my Insurance at the time said no. I had had an MRI in 2002, and that was recent enough, that they would only cover one every 5 years. And yes there was some concerning "things" on it, some "spots", and yes it did warrant followup, but not another $1500 MRI they said. I remember joking well, Homer Simpson had crayon in his head, so maybe we should make sure of What the Said Spot was, make sure it was not a crayon...I was desperately trying to not have to really know what the Spot was...But.......( She didn't share my sense of humor...) If one wakes up with numb gripless hands and trouble swallowing one clings to Humor...and prays that their Insurance Company will do the Right Thing...But....

And about the Insurance Company....Gee it's not like I was asking to buy myself something of a Luxory, a damn Cruise or ill deserved Prada Shoes.... this was a Real Doctor asking to Look further at my Innerds because there was Something Wrong... And Since I had other symptoms the Doctor said it would be good to be evaluated further. And the Insurance Company said "Well if that is the case...We need you to go to one of our Centers of Excellence for further evaluation, we have Eight Hospitals in the Country you can choose." ( Yeah., because we know that when someone is Really sick they really want to travel ??? ) Long story short, for anyone who cares THIS is part of How I ended up in Cleveland....

Longer Story within 14 months of seeing her I was canceled by Insurance, not because of the MS, but because of Breast Cancer in my family. Yup....totally screwed over by TWO different companies...It amazes me...a Nurse what Crappy Insurance Companies we have Determining Level of Care and access of Care in this country..... A Thorough Doctor ordered some bloodwork related to Family History ( BRCA testing ) and Voila, within 4 weeks canceled....*POOF* No More Insurance, No More Medical Care...$440 dollars /month....swept away...( Which is damn ironic, because if anything Someone with a gene situation, a family history should be getting screened and checked and monitored...NOT Cancelled...and frankly damnit I think millions of Women are being discriminated against.......but that is a Beef for another day....)

So I have coped quietly with it...Ignored it, cursing it ever so silently.Other times fighting it...or even trying to Make Nice with it... But the last few years it has not been something I could ignore, not something I could curse so silently. I feel like I have the flu, all the time. "Fatigue " Is a REAL thing...I feel like I am drowning in it...its all encompassing..like a bed of quicksand a cold heavy sensation that requires a wrestling match to get out of bed.....And I don't cope with Temperature changes well, if I get Cold, I can not get warm. And if I wake up and my leg is "Numb" I know it will be like that all day, that I will drag it around like an old rotted piece of luggage.

And other nights , especially when I have been working that I will have leg cramps all night. And Stiffness, I wake up in the morning and give orders out to my limbs and Nothing happens, I lay there like a giant lump of Stale Playdough. I move through the day like the Tinman from the Wizard of Oz, creaking and getting stuck...Except there is no magic Oil Can....Other times I have fallen asleep and then when I wake up my arm is trapped underneath and I can't roll to get it out. It sounds almost comical, but it isn't.....And My Brain seems fine, ticking along and I know it still gives orders" Get up the Stairs"....but there are little dendrites down there ignoring the Orders...

But my brain is still ok...It is Still ME...still Thinking too much ...Worrying too much ...Reading too much....But on another level I know I am too sensitive...about ALL of THIS....A Friend sent me a video of a Model or a Beauty Queen falling....and I know she thought it was funny ...but for me it hit...it hit hard...it made me cry....It reminded me of that Sensation of falling...that OH NO sensation....and then the announcer on the video laughing too loudly ...it felt Cruel...it felt Real....for me I have fallen and people laugh....and been the Only One not laughing....So yeah, I guess my Sense of Humor is now damaged...and I tried to explain it to the friend....but I was left feeling empty and More Alone...off in the distance with my lack of Humor...my fear of falling...

Now back to The Cane. I don't use it all the time, only when I have to. So I wake up and I look out the window and there is new fresh snow,and it looks ever so pretty..... but I also know there is old snow and ice underneath Lurking. I use the cane because I know if I start to fall I have no way to get up. And I fall more now, even inside I fall. It happens when I am really tired, for no reason. It is like Someone came up and pulled the rug out from under me... KaPAM...Boom ...down I go before I can think or stop it. and then getting up depends on what is near by, what I can use to leverage myself. It becomes a Process thinking it all through...And I even joke with my son asking if I should yell Timber....

I used to have this amazing "Walk", I had this way of walking that people would look at. It was this way of entering a room. A way of being Strong even if doing so silently. I really miss that...Miss having people look at me when I enter the room, miss feeling that buoyant ...that Strong...that Indestructible. In my dreams...sleeping i still have that Look, that Walk....and the cane is never in the Dreams....

And I know that there are times I am really really tired and I know Stairs are getting harder and harder...and I know that someday I won't be able to do them. Even now there are certain days I start limiting the trips up and down the stairs, because if I get too tired I know I fall more, on the stairs, up or down....it doesn't even matter. And yes for anyone who knows it's true I moved this year because we lived on a house on a Hill. I called it Hell Hill 29 steps to the Front Door.....it was too much ...So Now I am on a flat street and 5 steps to the front door. Even Steps, and NO Hill.

It is so funny....No one would know I used to run Half Marathons or that I swam and was a lifeguard..I stare at my legs or my arms and I don't see any of that anymore..I see ??? Mashed Potatoes ? I think what happened to the Tone, where did it go ? From 2004 on I tried to work with hand weights, and that became laughable, from 3 to 2 to 1 pound. Now I use a Bean Can.....

When you don't have insurance you get Creative. You do things like a bean can as PT. You order antibiotics from Vet Companies ( for fish). And you go to the Doc in the Box for basic meds, and pray you are self medicating properly. When I sprained my ankle working at the market I used Duct Tape, and it worked like a charm....But it all becomes like a bad movie....except it is your life...

I know this is about Letting Go and Control and Letting the Changes come and Coping and Still trying to have some dignity and some grace and Learning to Cope and that Everyone has Something they are trying to Cope with....But I don't know ME anymore or my body...and I feel like I am letting go of pieces of me...in 20 directions...vision and hearing and coordination and I miss going for LONG walks and I hate always looking...SEARCHING for benches when I go for a walk.... I hate that I feel like I have just run 14 miles...all the time....that I wake up feeling like that .......

I hate that I can't run anymore....and that I can't even dance...and yoga ...well trying to hold poses is almost impossible...definitely something I can't do around others....that everything has become Watching...That I am too sensitive now...That Someone posts a Crass Joke about "Scooters" and I can't laugh...because I KNOW there is a scooter waiting for my in my future.,..just around the corner....And that I will have to move again to a place with no stairs....but I have to get my son to NYC...so that can't happen yet...not yet....

And people say...well...can you still Nurse, and I say , only certain kinds...I can 't be a Floor nurse any more...no more ER....I was a great ER nurse....really...but now everything revolves in planning how long I can stand.....I even worked at a grocery store for a while , attempting to get Health Insurance....and the bottom line is that all of that lifting and bending and standing was so so painful and I would get stiff and stuck...I could barely make it home at night....I would walk home and try to figure out how to get into the house without doing the 29 steps, and I finally found a way to crawl through the backyard bushes...I can laugh at it now...It all sounds so absurd...a Nurse working as a checker to try to get healthcare.....and then crawling through the yard to escape THE Evil Hill.

And people say well Apply for Disability....But if I do that I lose so so much...I lose my Nursing License...ME...I lose ME the Nurse and I lose even my driving License...So I am NOT willing to do that...Not yet....Because even if I am weak and "Stuck"...and laying in bed I can still help someone get the Hospice Care they need or diagnose my best friend's friend 6000 miles away with Typhoid....I still have ALL my nursing skills intact, I have cared for hundreds and hundreds and I am now supposed to LOSE THAT because I have trouble lifting a bag of groceries ? or standing for more than 20 minutes ? that just isn't right.....sorry....but it isn't....

The Iraqi Family: Story Interrupted......

2010-12-26T09:28:00.014-05:00

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What you are is what you have been. What you'll be is what you do now. ~Buddha

First off to Everyone Who Cared for this Family,
I need to say Thank You, thank you for caring and giving with your hearts and reaching out to this family in need. I am so grateful to have met such giving people and such generous souls. I was raised by a granma that if you give with an open heart and give what is needed that you can help heal much pain in the world. I still really believe that.

Sadly the Story will remain one that has many loose ends and in many ways it is a Story Interrupted. Forces beyond me will create the ending and there will be no closure for me. I did not want to blog about this on my regular blog for safety reasons and also because it is more of a private matter, hence using my Other Blog.I also did not want to discuss any of this close to Christmas as it is heart tugging and sadly a darker tale than any of us could have known.

Mama and the Children were so very grateful for your caring and your gifts. Everything that everyone sent was delivered to them, every last shoe, sock, mitten, book, and crayon. And there were many deliveries, I went almost every day bringing them what was sent, often taking my little grocery cart stocked with blankets and pots and goodies. I was careful not to share addresses, but I always took a map and showed them Where on the Map -Which Americans sent what. I wanted them to understand that there are Warm Welcoming Americans all over the Country. In the end close to 100 people(many families) in Nine States helped take care of them. Everything was delivered, even the Complete New Baby Gift basket that had everything a New Baby needs down to itty bitty socks......Mama and the girls were so happy. Their eyes would shine brightly and gleam with wonder.

There were many trips there where all we did was work on English, naming everything in the apartment and they would try to teach me Arabic. And since I was horrible they would laugh and giggle. Other days I took them for much needed dental care and medical care and Mama for prenatal care. I also brought them many groceries and treats and tried to teach them about Holidays and American Rituals.

When it was stormy and the lights were out I brought them candles. When the baby and four of the children were sick I brought them all to the doctor and went and got them their antibiotics. And even managed to explain all of this to them in bumbling fashion how to give Breathing Treatments ( Home Nebulizer) and meds in different doses. And I even ran out at night and found a Steaming Humidifier for the baby when he was croupy. I did all of this because Mama clearly needed help. In many ways I felt like a Doting Auntie to them, and I did know that they left doting Granma's and aunties behind, so in some ways a void was filled for the family. And as much pain and loneliness as they had and have it was a void I willing adopted and understood. Other days we colored and Painted and I let them go through my bag looking for goodies. And Mama got to share of herself with sewing and cooking and photos. Bonds were formed.

I also thought that Daddy said he was trying to learn a trade, a mechanic skills, and he was rarely there. So I thought that since he was so focused that helping Mama and the children was a good thing. But I also knew that when he was around he was erratic, sometimes angry and volatile and not always rational. He was consistently disparaging of the Refugee agency and I constantly reinforced that the Agency was trying to help him get Settled and work through the whole Resettlement process.
I was worried did he suffer from a stress disorder, or was this normal stress. Should I learn more about the Resettlement Stress process ? I started researching Mental Health Issues for Refugees and also studying what was available to them for care and resources. Not only for Papa but for Mama and the Children.

I began to realize that as much as I was trying to nurture and care for all of them a Family of seven, that Papa was on his own trajectory. And his anger was all consuming and could not be negogiated at all times, and in some ways was not "New". The family was in stress. He "fired "all that tried to help him and also made clear that he would cut off contact for the mama and children whenever he wanted. Now some of this is cultural, but some of this is not. I would go there and it was clear no one was to eat until he gave permission or set the time. Other times there was not food, and he controlled the food ( as he controlled the "Card".) Other times I realized that the children and Mama were hiding what I brought them, when "gifts" and necessities cause anger, there is indeed Something very wrong. He would "fire" any translators that the Agency tried to provide. So I had to get very creative with Communication and find other ways for Mama and I to communicate. ( Computer and cellphone and reaching out to some Arabic Medical people proved incredibly important.). Also I realized that even simple things like Toilet paper and Soap were even under Papa's Control. That was when I realized that Something Was Very Wrong.

As an RN , A Nurse of many many years I have always been able to problem solve with other Team Members and even find Resources. But this situation quickly grew more worrisome. And yes I did understand that the home was not a happy home, that there were little people at stake, and Anger and Fear levels were of concern....As a nurse I did what was needed and tried to get help from the correct authorities and resources. I got Mama an emergency cellphone and I taught the children how to ask for help and who to trust. And I kept giving them much needed love and reassurance and many hugs....and that I was not just bringing them supplies and teaching them English, I was also bringing the "World" to them to their apartment.

The Anger filled Incidents became more frequent and not really safe for me even to go to the Home. I had to even be more and more careful to go there and not run into Papa. He also had his "friends" from the Mosque and Blackwater associates attempting to connect and monitor me on Facebook. And he made threats against me and my son, and even tried to come to my home. He was not rational enough to come to my home so he was not allowed in or near my home. Papa became more erratic and angry missing English classes and arguing with most trying to help the family.....Rent went unpaid and other services became problematic....

And yes eventually situations arose where I was concerned for Mama and the Children and yes, I stood up to him, you need to know that. And yes, this only made the situation worse for Mama and the Children. But I also taught those children that Men are not allowed to act Like That in this Country. It was a very ugly lesson, but I tried to teach those little girls that lesson with Courage and conviction.

But as Papa "Fired" more and more people, I knew at some point I would be cut off from them and removed from the Situation and that it would no longer be my choice to "help."...That his anger might even cause the children and Mama Misery. ( I found some of what I brought them ripped to shreds down by the Dumpster by their home.)

2 Weeks before Christmas he announced that I was no longer needed or wanted at their home and that HE was in charge of all Medical Care....And I made the decision with the Agency that it was indeed time for me to remove myself from the Situation. For exactly 2 months, I had seen them almost every single day, missing only three days. And I need to be clear that Mama had always asked me to come, that I had tried to respect their Lives and their Privacy....but that I also had tried with all of my being and an open heart and mind to help them Settle Here......But it all came to an Abrupt End...There were no Goodbyes.

So to Everyone I say Thank You and from Mama and the Children I give you much gratitude. I know they will never forget that Good Americans did reach out and care for them....and I ask that you keep them in your prayers and still send them Light and Love.

The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart. ~Buddha

The Garden....( Russell Lee 1940 NM)

2010-08-08T14:06:00.006-04:00

Hope is a thing with feathers.
That perches in the soul.
And sings the tunes without the words.
And never stops at all.
(Verse from Emily Dickinson poem)

My Refuge....the Porch....there is always a porch..always....

2010-08-08T14:05:00.004-04:00

Dear President Obama, A Letter about the Gulf Disaster..

2010-05-22T05:36:00.009-04:00

"We are tied to the ocean and when we go back to the Sea, whether it is to sail or to watch,we are going back from whence we came."~ John F. Kennedy
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Dear Mr.President,
Millions of us worked to get you elected. We worked for you because we believed that you were the kind of man that when Trouble came Knocking you would be up to the challenge. A man of wisdom, integrity,and a Man wise enough to have the Integrity to listen to Wisdom. There is Wisdom knocking on your door, and I worry you are not listening. Millions of Americans are watching the Disaster in the Gulf unfold. Many are Scientists who are worried about the Situation because they have the Wisdom to see what is going on and what it holds in the Future.

Millions of People need answers and assurances that your Leadership is committed to them, but placing BP in charge of the Disaster the message to the People is that BP a Corporation is more important than them. For the Gulf residents that were abandoned, shunned, lied to, exploited and mistreated during and after Katrina, your Leadership is Critical at this time. Instead they have been given a BP hotline for everything for Dead Oiled Carcasses, Fume Reports and Questions about Seafood. And they have watched BP lie about the Gusher and yet they are supposed to call BP for wounded animals ? And they see that EPA is working with BP while hundreds of thousands of gallons of Toxic Dispersant are poured into their gulf. Yet has your administration reached out to the Fishermen , the Shrimpers, the Workers in the Gulf ? Have you offered them relief and Programs for this situation ? ( Again FEMA, National Guard, HLS have been sparingly sparsely committed and silently deployed) This is your moment to historically provide Aid and relief.

So far those Scientists have had no avenue to share their concerns and their skills. They have merely been tossed the BP phone number and told to leave a message. In this kind of Crisis Energy, Vision and Scientific Expertise should be harnessed and utilized. There are Scientists who have worked to protect the Gulf for years and now they would problem solve to save it or try to save what is left of it. ( Woodshole, Oceanography Programs across the Country, Engineering Programs ).Scientists who work with National Geographic and Sierra Club, NWF, NRDC etc all have people who have studied and prepared and protected Ecosystems for years they are not compromised by Greed of Oil Laden ambitions.

You have been given your first American Disaster of Epic Proportions and it was created by Corporate greed and mistakes.Yet the Company that is Responsible for the Disaster is still controlling the Crime Scene. 11 Good Men died in an Explosion and yet instead of hearing that the Justice Department is Investigating Americans are told that BP is now in charge of the Disaster. Can you see how unjust and corrupt that appears to Americans ? I have read the Justice Department is in NOLA,but you as President need to Announce that the Justice Department is investigating this Event and the Oil Slick.

Your Administration and even you should be giving Daily or bi-daily Briefings with NOAA, Coast Guard and EPA and DHHS issuing accurate Unbiased Uncompromised information regarding this Oil Slick. Hurricane Season is fast upon us, and this is your chance to help people prepare and work together to prevent panic and distress.

Mr.Gibbs has been mishandling the Pressers, mocking and dismissing Reporters concerns.Yet the Press Corps has been asking the same questions as millions of Americans have been asking. You need to acknowledge this anger, this frustration and angst. Americans watched on their TVs on May 18th when a CBS reporter was threatened with arrest for photographing Marshland Slime. The Reporter was told by a Coast Guard official that "BP is in charge". In that moment millions of Americans had their worst fear confirmed. BP not only owns the Disaster, they own the Gulf and Our Government Supports and Condones BP being in charge of this Disaster. The Message was that the Government has submitted Power to BP. And the Presser with Gibbs on the 20th and 21st confirmed this fear.

The Press needs to be able to report, interview Scientists, Fishermen, Residents and to take photos of the Dead Animals, the Damaged Gulf. This Crisis needs transparency and honesty and action. Silence will only be construed as part of the BP Coverup at this point. After numerous Coverups under the Bush Administration and 8 years of Lies, Americans are smart enough to KNOW they want Honesty and Leadership during this Disaster. We need you to do the Right Thing Now, Declare it a National Emergency.

Signed,
Just a Mom, Nurse,.....

( mailed and posted to White House Blog May 22,2010 Day 32 of the Gulf Disaster )

Why the Gulf Matters To Me......

2010-05-16T06:55:00.010-04:00

I have been trying to Blog and Tweet about the Gulf and the Oil Disaster, I have been trying to post Information, Science, Facts, videos and updates. I have tried to approach it clinically like a very sick patient, keeping my emotions to a minimum. Yet as it is now Day 32, my emotions are getting in the way. My Memories are getting in the way. My Longings and those memories are now haunting me and distracting me from my mission of blogging with clarity.

As a nerdish liberal child I grew up in a VERY Republican family. Yet the year I turned 11 we started spending much time in Florida on the Gulf of Mexico. Partly because my grandmother was moving there due to health problems. It was partly because my parents bought a condo at a bargain price and all vacations and summers were then spent there. By the summer I was 12 I was grossly absorbed with the Watergate Break In and then the following summer it was the Watergate Hearings. I was absorbed with spending hours walking the white sands and watching tide pools and touching shells and hermit crabs and other Sea Wonders. I was spellbound by the wonders of the Gulf, the beautiful azure waters against the White Sands with the number of Birds swooping overhead and Sunsets that transformed my soul.

Going to the Gulf was my Escape , but it was also very much where I found myself as I moved from childhood to Adulthood. It was where I was allowed to have compassion and hope. I sat on the Beach watching the Birds and wrote. I participated in Turtle Counts and Bird Counts. Where silent observations was a valuable gift. The Island where were , Sanibel was devoted to the Preservation of so many animals,buildings limited in a height and a Preserve ( Ding Darling) that was beautiful. Every year the Turtles come to lay their eggs and then the eggs hatch and the Turtles would return to the Sea. As a young teen I hollowed out a hole on the beach with another Teen and with special Goggles and Binoculars we observed this Beautiful Event. And we sat and wrote our notes in the Dark of the Night. And in the Morning we touched the gentle trails left in the sand with awe.

When I was 12 my mother went out and told us to stay home and read. But the Gulf was beautiful and I had just passed my LifeSaving classes. So I did what an obstinate lonely teen would do, I went swimming . And on the 3rd Sand bar I stood up and admired the beautiful gleaming sea. When I stood up I felt the water move not far from me and realized there were "Finned Fish" moving my me. Three of them. My first thought was "Oh no, My mother will be right and I will be eaten by Sharks because she was right." I didn't have my glasses on, I am legally blind without glasses, so I really had to breath deep and calm down and try to assess the situation. I stood very still barely breathing and then I realized as one got very close that it was a Dolphin and that up close they really do look like they are smiling....And I did the Unthinkable, I reached out very slowly and very gently and tenderly touched the closest one. It was so smooth, gentle and cool to my hand. It did not back off or go away but circled around again. They circled about and dove with each other clearly playing and clearly enjoying showing off. It was the most mystical magical moment I have ever had. It took my breath away.

To this day, the memory is so clear even though I had impaired vision I can close my eyes and still see them and their dipping and diving and beautiful graceful swimming. It moved me and inspired me in way that I can not explain. Through the years up until I was married I would return to the Island when I need respite or a break from School or Nursing Life or Wretched Boyfriends. It was where I sought solace. The Island and the Gulf was magical....It was healing..Grounding. It would be where I would lifeguard, write, read too much and learn to sail. It would be where I would learn so much.

There would later be other trips to other parts of the Gulf and the Coast, And in many ways it is true that I am Home when I am by the Sea- Always. But the Gulf and Sanibel was where I wanted to take my son one day, so I could show him the Wonders. And these past few years as I lost so many skills and physical strength I have always wanted to go back, as it is the one place that remains Home, accepting and full of Light. I am mad at myself now that I did not get my son there now. I am worried about the Fishermen and all of the Creatures.....the birds ...the Turtles and the Dolphins and so many more....I have learned over these past few years that Time is a Gift. But I did not realize how fragile Something so beautiful could be...and now it may be out of Time.
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Praying for the Miners....Performance Mine Explosion

2010-04-08T04:52:00.003-04:00

Natalie Merchant "Which Side are you on " ( Song by Miner Wife Florence Reece and she wrote this while her husband fought for the rights of the Miners to Unionize it's a poignant song ...many in the Appalacian Mts know this song....)

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Thursday April 8th AM : Rescue Crews will enter mines early this AM to search for four missing miners...

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Los Angeles Times | April 8, 2010 | 12:45 a.m.
Rescue crews going back into mine.Rescue crews are expected to enter the Upper Big Branch mine early Thursday to search for four miners who are unaccounted for following the devastating explosion that killed 25 miners on Monday, federal mine safety officials announced.Four teams of eight men each will wear breathing devices and ride and walk up to five miles underground. They will attempt to reach two air-tight safety chambers, about 2,500 feet apart, where officials hope the miners were able to reach if they survived the explosion.It could take the teams two to three hours to reach the chambers, depending on the amount of debris they encounter, officials said.

((Enigma note: it took 5 Drilled Boring holes to let the gases out...and to reach safe levels for Search&rescue crews re-enter the mines. Sadly today the MSM will all be focused in the Tiger Golf match, I hope instead they will cover the Miners, especially as these brave Rescuers re-enter the mines. It is still a very dangerous mission to search for the four and also plan the recovery of the bodies of the other 25. The Families of this community need their loved ones brought out.))
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Coal Miner Daughter.....Dorthea Lange

For many years I have posted this photo...it has always been one of my favorites...the girl is young and aged all at once and her face holds prayers and worries....that only the Mines can give a face.

Keith Olbermann's Dad Died...please click Post linked to Title, it is Keith's Tribute

2010-03-13T18:21:00.001-05:00

Honoring Women this month...Dorthea Lange

2010-03-12T00:17:00.003-05:00

Do click the title and you can read a full history of her striking photos....

Winter Blues.....

2010-02-20T07:16:00.005-05:00

I am fighting winter blues...or trying to.....I have been trying to write everyday....listen to music and am teaching myself French....hopefully that will get me through about 6 more weeks of Winter...hopefully...
I love this video....a little music...a little dancing....and we can pretend we are in Paris.....

Hazy Shade of Winter.....

Art That Heals....

2010-01-08T17:29:00.010-05:00

Over Christmas I decided to try a totally new craft...I have plenty of broken dishes that need a new purpose in life....I was inspired by a wonderful woman named Rebecca York, she makes the most amazing Glass Mosaics, her website and her creations and her story are linked to the title, she has an amazing story of how her beautiful art came to be....it will inspire you....move you and her mosaics are so beautiful.....

( the photo is my mosaic that I made over Christmas, I put it in my bedroom window...and it is so much better to have some color against the snow...)
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Another little nesting project....new Coffee Table for the TV room...Old Sunflower lamp (thrown out in 2007-acquired and was originally a Bird Bath in back garden....but now I have brought it inside so it won't freeze and put an old garden stepping stone on it- and touched up the paints....Just the right size to sit a cuppa something warm...

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(Music has been important these past few weeks too...Breathe Hands to heaven is one such song.....)
And maybe a little Duran Duran,Save a Prayer ....
Spice Girls... a sentimental favorite...dedicated to the two girls we fostered long ago....
More ...
Just Breathe...another version...
And some Toto with Micheal McDonald ...

My Favorite Market that I still even dream about...and Other Beach Dreams

2009-12-14T09:10:00.010-05:00

Back in 2004 for 18 months my son and I lived in Pacific Grove California, and it was an amazing experience. In Many ways it was the hardest time of my life and in other ways it was the greatest adventure.We lived in a dilapitated old Victorian Rooming House and we shared a room. I had a window over the little Corner Kitchen Sink. I could stand in the mornings and make Tea and smell the Ocean and taste the breeze.At nigh the Deer would come munch on the bushes and shrubs at the bottom of the stairs, and my basset Abby would look at them softly with her big brown eyes. (Abby had spent her early years on a farm,so we thought that maybe she viewed them as goats.) And at night the seals would bark down at the Beach mere blocks away -So Abby would yodel back to them. My son and I boogied boarded and got wet suits and explored the Tide Pools and located Sandwich shops. And we figured out whenever the Power went out due to Storms, which was often, that many little shops halfpriced their goods.

And we found the Pacific Grove Market, that was full of Wonders, British Teas and cookies, and fresh fruits and vegetables.And we became "Fun Doo" Experts dipping vegis and fruit and bagels in the warm gooey crockpot of cheese. And we made Noodles with all kinds of vegetables.And we read many books and newspapers blissfully. And the Library turned out to be a wonderful find,walking there to treasure hunt.....it is those Memories I wrap around me late at night when it is cold and snowing....It is why I still wear my Flip Flops in the house....all year...It is why I dream about the Market at night....
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Someone made a great Sunset video....

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Have dreamt about PG many times over the past month...I have no idea why....maybe I am homesick...anyways..all good memories...

About Hope....It is a Journey, A Train Ride

2009-12-12T01:37:00.009-05:00

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{{ About the photo I wish I could remember who posted it on Twitter...I think it was MeanderingSoul, but not certain...either way it is so amazing }}
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There are lessons to be learned from this year. How to still have Hope in spite of great strife,obstruction,and Hate. How to hold it dear, how to nurture it, how to sustain it. I will never ever take it for granted again. I will never look at it as the Ticket to the Future, I will appreciate that like a Train Ride, there will be bumps in the path, and damage to the Tracks. There will be other passengers on the Train, some will lack manners and befoul the Journey. But as the train moves along the tracks we can move to another seat, look out another window,we can change the ride.....
~Miracles~ By Jefferson Starship....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tangerine Dream " Love on a Real Train" (note the Depression Era Footage...)

About MS.....The Price of Reality...

2009-12-03T05:02:00.012-05:00

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Leaves have fallen now...all of them....and It is up to me to face some harsh Realities.

First off I need to say I am very very grateful that my son is growing up to be a Fine Young man and that he talks to me....and that he is a Thinking Caring Compassionate wise soul....and that he is and has been patient through all of this....and that his dad has been helping us get through a pretty miserable time....I am very thankful...and that is why I hate that my gratitude is so tarnished....

At some point I need to write about this....I need to let it out of my head...my heart...I need to find a way to fight it but still make peace with it...I need to find a way to have hope but make my way with this miserable companion.I have not a clue how to do any of those things...I have been the caregiver too long, I have no idea how to be anything else. How many years can I justify this lack of care ? Four? Five ? How long is too long ? 2005 seems like yesterday, it seems like 20 years ago.

The sad yet silly truth of it is- I have NO way to take care of it or deal with "It"- or even try to fight it. Not because I am not wise enough or brave enough, but because Corporate Entities have dictated my circumstances....I am UnInsured,Cancelled, soiled,spent,set aside like rotting garbage at a curb in my own country. How do I pretend to Understand or Explain THAT ? Or that it is happening to Millions of us ? How Can I say that it does not anger me?

During this Healthcare Battle I have been forced to examine much of my life has been manipulated and manhandled by Insurance Companies....and while working as a Nurse caring for hundreds of people, my own care was always rationed sparingly...It is senseless, demeaning, mind boggling. It means all that care I Gave meant Nothing in the scheme of things, that Giving Care is only meant for others, it has no value to the Bean Counters. Watching the DC Sausage Machine I was humiliated that suddenly the Costs of Healthcare were flung about the chambers like rotted vegetables. One GOP lawmaker said "that the Dems wanting to care for people was like watching a Wife let loose with a credit Card". And I watched Grassley quote Andrew Jackson- yes, the one president who died in 1845, and It gave new perspective to the phrase "Out of Touch". But the Corporations and the Lawmakers have Abandoned Humanity. And yes, abandoned millions of people just like me.

Can I face the next four years with No Insurance ?No real Medical Care? and No Chance of Insurance ? Is it right that I stay up night after night with THAT question banging through my brain,numbing my senses and wishing praying for another reality ? How many of us stay up night after night staring at a clock,listening to it tick, stealing time....the Worry Gift that it is. Time is no longer measured in Hours, it is measured in Dollars, and Lawmakers and Corporate Powers measure us in Dollars, not Life or Quality of Life. These past six months can not heal that perverse Reality.....

And I can not change that this reality hit after many monthes of watching HCR be haggled over like a grown hog....And hate mail that was beyond civilized,letters from those abroad questioning our Broken Country ( "What Kind of Country does not take care of it's People?" Your Healthcare System is like watching Katrina again" said a wise Scot)....I can not change that I had this Reality Correction during Thanksgiving, a time when I should be so grateful, and usually am....And I am left here angry,confused, dissillusioned.....like Millions of Americans....and deep down I think that What is Happening is Very UnAmerican.

Music to sooth...to heal..

2009-12-03T03:44:00.000-05:00

Jakata....Seal and Thomas Newman...really stunning..."My Vision"

Autumn skies...

2009-10-26T03:54:00.004-04:00

I came out of the market after getting Sunday groceries...and this site took my breath away....I don't think my cellphone totally captured the magic of that moment...
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And some Music...that matches my autumn mood. Kevin Montgomery...

His blog tells more about his music and where he is touring right now...West Coast ,Portland friends heads up...

Thoughts for a wet soggy Friday....Random photos...and thoughts..

2009-10-24T03:46:00.010-04:00

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First off, this "Tree" , which is now a 20ft Stump is right by my bedroom window...The story is that about a month ago, MrTeabaggeryAsswipe- my next door neighbor DID THIS to the tree right my window. Now I mention this because- a few weeks back, I was fast asleep and woke at 9am to a Chainsaw right by my head. I leaned out the window in all of my JustWokeUpGlory and yelled at Mr.Asswipe and his buddy who were Trimming ALL the Foilage by my House, and then I got dressed and called the cops on him.I had to explain to the cops WHY I thought having a "Neighbor" use Chainsaws by window was NOT ok??? Now the reason that I post this photo now.....well it turns out that it is a perfect perch for Mr and Mrs Cardinal and also for Skippy the FrontPorch Squirrel, so I am not as pissed as I was, and the cats LOVE that Critters come and sit for them.....So....a Happy Ending inspite of Mr.Asswipe...
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Leftover soup......It was cold...blustery and wet today....so out came the Dusty Crock Pot....And Leftover Soup...SanFran 49Cents CVS soup-1 can,cup of Organic Baby Carrots,1cup Boathouse Chai tea,can of carbanzo beans,half cup spaghetti sauce,2cups of old cooked cheese spinach Tortellini.,spices...etc...and after 2 hours...excellent....hmmmm...
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Munchkin Land..
So I live in a side-by-side....and this summer I decided that instead of having a garden or setting up my patio furniture ...I gave it to my neighbors....because they have two wee ones under 4....and this is how it looked most of the summer...every morning making tea I would look out and see what was happening or little people...Muchkin heaven...best thing I ever did....it was a gift to them...but also to me.....
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This song is stuck in my head...Healthcare Battle song..

2009-10-22T12:49:00.001-04:00

Moving Video from Marriage Equality Hearing in Maine...have kleenex

2009-10-22T01:47:00.000-04:00

Song for a friend...far far away...

2009-07-31T00:40:00.005-04:00

This song is for my friend so so far away, my best friend , he lives in Asia...and he always knows exactly when to call me..yesterday he called me when I was so so down and troubled....and somehow thousands of miles away he Knew....there is no way to thank such a gift...
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"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Rumi
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and.......

Tribute to MJ...

2009-06-27T23:07:00.002-04:00

I think he had a very troubled life..alot of pain ..incredible talent...I think he died of a Drug overdose...sadly...I hope they figure it out...because I watched Deppak speak about it on CNN and I think it's sad that as the only thing that relieved his pain...I wish the music could have healed him more..

June on the Porch....

2009-06-16T20:32:00.006-04:00

A song for friend....dearest fran...we could sit on my porch drink something cool...and watch the son set and talk of our sons...

Ben Taylor "Let it Be"....

Sometimes I just need to escape and watch a good thunderstorm....

2009-06-16T12:49:00.000-04:00

Time of the Season....Ben Taylor band...( the new kids version ...with a stormy sky..)

Amazing Video...If You're Out There...

2009-05-19T14:10:00.000-04:00

Saturday Morning Music....

2009-05-02T10:06:00.001-04:00

Hypnotized....

When Spring Comes....Blossoms on the Trees and Kitties lounging...

2009-04-29T14:39:00.008-04:00

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and when they lounge....they like Tracy Chapman....

and of course Harry is a huge Dave Matthews Fan...

Friday Night...in the Middle of the damned Torture Battle...

2009-04-24T22:53:00.006-04:00

Mad World ...Gary Jules...

The Weight ( or as I call it ....THE WAIT...)

Better days linked to the title...cuz we need better days....someday....

Inspiring quilt and Music.......

2009-04-12T00:16:00.005-04:00

Gentle Giant Song....animated...amazing..

The quilt....inspired me to keep working on mine...

Spring is trying to come....time to come over here and tidy up....

2009-04-09T14:57:00.006-04:00

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Poor little Enigma Cafe has been so neglected, Watergate Summer gets all my time....
time for new art and some spring music....Photo from a Peace Rally,
Budapest...last month...
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Gary Jules " Umbilical Town":

Click the title for really touching commercial....
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"A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things that renew humanity." -Buddha

"When people speak badly of you, you should respond in this way: Keep a steady heart and don't reply with harsh words. Practice letting go of resentment and accept that the other's hostility is the spur to your understanding. Be kind, adopt a generous standpoint, treat your enemy as a friend, and suffuse all your world with affectionate thoughts, far-reaching and widespread, limitless and free from hate".~ Buddha

Oh....to have Some Warmth and Some Sun...

2009-03-24T22:07:00.002-04:00

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Lovely song...new music from UK artist, Sistiana " What if"....

Still Winter....of course...

2009-02-14T00:42:00.005-05:00

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more snow due tomorrow....hmmmm.....how romantic..I guess...
some romantic music..Matt Nathenson...

Thursday Night Music....Natalie Merchant...

2009-02-12T22:58:00.000-05:00

Watching Sense and Sensibility....

2009-02-10T00:58:00.009-05:00

sick as a dog...but needing some Romance..so watched this on PBS....but had to see the WHOLE series- because I have never seen the WHOLE thing...and so I watched the WHOLE thing on Youtube....really beautifully done..and amazing music...this video below is a montage of the series set to Sia's " Breathe me"....it follows the plight of Marianne and Colonel Brandon...( I am more of an Eleanor person...but that is me...)...BUT if you want to watch the Whole Series click here...

( click the title, another song....)
Eleanor and Edward....

and more scenes set to music...
and more....

And of course my favorite one....set to GooGoo Dolls " Iris"....one of my favorite songs..

another great song...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part One of Whole series....

Winter Thoughts....and memories...

2009-02-07T04:12:00.008-05:00

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I went walking in the snow...humming this song....even though I first heard this song at a Concert in 1995.....my son was 4...and he really wanted to see Chuck Barry....and Little Richard....and yes, the opening act was Mary Chapin Carpenter....I had never heard her...I was amazed....but this song reminds me of that hot summer night...the warm 4 year old hand sticky with popcorn and coke....and how his little head smelled of the setting sun and coppertone....my sunkist sleepy son exploring music....it seems like it was yesterday.....

Silent Warrior....

2009-02-02T06:42:00.002-05:00

So the video is "Silent Warrior" by Enigma, as many of us did feel it was a silent raging battle in the Bush Years.........and many of us blogged on...late night writers heaving our angst on the keyboard...and screens...

A Train to Anywhere....

2009-01-30T08:36:00.005-05:00

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This photo is from earlier in the month....3 feet of snow ago...we are setting a record...for snowiest January ever...me, I am fantasizing about taking a train to anywhere......

4 AM Hopemongering....

2009-01-19T05:51:00.000-05:00

{{{ This is just a 4 AM-Can Not Sleep Post...my MLK post will be up later today....and there is plenty down below...this is just some Hopemongering Music...}}}
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So I had to go to work yesterday afternoon, and this was the last song I heard and watched from the Lincoln Memorial Event was " Shower the People" sung by James Taylor and John Legend and others.....This Song has been my song since I was 15, it is the one song that says all that I believe in ....and I have sung and lived it through thick and thin...and some Very Bad Times....It is my Anchor ...That showering people with Love Makes Us Stronger...always... I have lullabyed my son to it, sung it to sick PEDS and NICU babes,hummed it to dying AIDS patients and friends, and danced at weddings to it and driven across this Country seeing Our Country in the background....I Know it is what keeps Us Together....( and HBO can kiss my ass I am posting THIS song...watch the people swaying together by the thousands....so moving....)

Video Below is Highlights of Obama Speaking (2004) at the Convention.(My story.... I have blogged before how I was living in a rooming house on the California Coast , in one room that summer with my teenage son, having lost Everything as a Witness and Whistleblower on a Huge Federal Criminal Environmental Case that Bush's People shut down....Covered Up....Hope was beyond Fragile...and 6-6 made me Stop and Listen to This Man Talking about E.Pluribus Unum....We The People, We are ONE People....and 6-6 said "He will be President One Day"....and I thought hmm, yeah...One Day...NOW we KNOW that ONE DAY IS HERE....and I am beyond grateful that this One Man Planted a Seed of Hope with Us and Millions of Others....)

What Kind of World do you want ?

2009-01-17T04:49:00.004-05:00

"World " Five For Fighting...

What Kind of World do you want ?

2009-01-17T04:49:00.001-05:00

I've got soul...but I'm not a soldier....

2009-01-14T04:08:00.000-05:00

by the "Killers."..

Rivers of Belief.....And the Silent Warrior....And the Return to Innocence...

2009-01-14T02:33:00.005-05:00

My son discovered this band when he was about three and four...and he loved them..Enigma...except he called them the "Rocking Monks"...they went on every road trip and he spent hours playing with Lego with them blasting in the background....
and to this day...we both still love this group...they are soothing...spiritual and magical....wise.
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Rivers of Belief....

Silent Warrior......

The Return to Innocence....

Just want an Ordinary Word....again...

2009-01-10T23:04:00.006-05:00

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walked home in the snow....followed someone's else's prints in the snow...thought how nice it was to have fresh prints to follow...nice to have someone to Follow...and realized it was not about the Snow...it was about the Bush Regime ending...how I count the days and hours...I want to Follow Someone Else..I am ready...much hard work to do...but am very very ready...am tired of walking alone and waiting....No More Waiting...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
lullabye I sang to my son....a long time ago...Duran Duran "Ordinary World"...funny how the song means more now...all I want is an Ordinary World again...not wake up more worried than I went to sleep...worried the King has done Something More Stupid...

Saturday Music..." 10,000 MIles...I 'll Fly Away"....

2009-01-10T00:39:00.004-05:00

When I would drive to see my patients I would play this song all the time..."Fare Thee Well"....it is more of a blessing song... a prayer for those you care about....wishing them peace...wishing them well....

Witnessing Change...

2009-01-09T03:18:00.001-05:00

Friday Music:::Honoring all of us, Witnessing History as we WAIT for Change......I picked the song today with that spirit in mind...( and taking a break from the Goodbye for the Feeble King)....Sarah McLachlan " Witness"...the lyrics are pretty amazing...,,,

"Make me a witness.....take me out.....out of darkness...out of doubt ,
I won't weigh you down....with good intention.....won't make fire out of clay....or other inventions,
Will we burn in heaven ?....like we do down here....will the Change come?....while we're waiting...
Everyone is waiting"

Only Hope.....

2009-01-07T23:01:00.000-05:00

"Only Hope" by Switchfoot....beautiful sunsets....and sunrises....

A Respite Offered.......

2009-01-03T04:58:00.005-05:00

Sometimes in my mind....I need to go Somewhere Else....and One Day I will get off the NO Fly List...and I have long list of places I hunger to explore.....Beautiful Gardens in Bali....peaceful tranquil.....It's funny but growing up I used to go with my Aunt Elizabeth and watch Travelogues that the AAA used to have, except the members would create slideshows to music....it's funny how much they remind me of Youtube...oh how my wonderful Auntie Elizabeth all 4ft 11inchs of her would have loved the Internet and Youtube....

More Bali...East Bali...

More....see how beautiful these children are...and how different it is...

The Market....such gentle people....beautiful art and crafted goods...

Reflections on The End of 2008.....

2008-12-31T05:09:00.001-05:00

In Many Ways....
I look at the Migrant Mother photo...it haunts me...because I see that Woman in my eyes...and other mom's eyes and I carry it in my heart ....it is WHY I blog...and blog so much...We are living through an important part of Our History.....the most difficult Challenging ever....for many of us...it is Up to Us HOW we get through this...about Adapting , Learning and Taking Care of Each Other....Empathy is part of Survival.

But really I am the Gold Dust Woman....because I am always looking for the Golden Moments...mining for it....in small moments and trying to share it, songs, music, photos, art and even stories,anything to Stoke Our Humanity...to help us come through This Time Intact, I am part Gypsy, Part Nurse, Part Appalachian Mama,part worried librarian ...so of course I look for the Gold........it is my way of Hopemongering.....

It started long ago...in the Seventies when I was in Highschool I studied Wildflowering....( in Appalachia that is the study and collecting of Herbs to heal....my parents were not impressed with my Herbal Studies...) But it taught me that What we need to Heal and Care for Each Other is around us.....we just have to look....and open our Hearts...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Gold Dust Woman"....by Fleetwood Mac

Neko Case " Hold On , Hold On"...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I will be here....writing it all..trying to capture it writing Our History with Heart and Hope....and yes, with Honesty and Empathy......Happy New Year....

Remembering People that matter ...on New Years Eve...

2008-12-31T04:59:00.004-05:00

On New Years Eve I always remember the two girls we fostered when 6-6 was 6....They stayed with us most of that fall , Halloween and that Christmas...and New Years...and we tried to give them what they mom could not....she was lost in a Drug Haze....They were beautiful girls....15 and 6....It was good for him to have some sisters for a time...They loved him...and he loved them...They used to sing to him....especially in the car....and this song was their favorite to sing to him....And now all these years later...I hope they grew up to be safe and loved....and happy.

Spice Girls.....

((( they had not a clue of the sexy part of this song...they just liked singing it ....they were just little girls....}}}

A Gift the Magic of Clouds....and Birds in Flight

2008-12-25T07:41:00.003-05:00

Tangerine Dream..."Cloudburst"

Birds in Flight....

A NEW List....JOB List..

2008-12-12T00:18:00.003-05:00

So here is my theory...that we all can get through these times if we just adapt....and change and flow with it...What kind of jobs have you had ? has it shaped your life ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a List of Jobs I have had...Some I worked for pay...some I worked for trades, I worked a barn so my son could ride and learn to ride, etc....so bartering is in a way a useful skill....
1.waitress ( over and over)
2.worked concert halls and political events ( coat checks, and service for events)
3.Stage crew for plays
4.Lighting for bands at a Baltimore Bar
5.Lifeguard,
6.Pool Manager
7.Swimming Instructor
8.Stall Cleaner and care of 20 Horse Barn ( trade for lessons for son)
9.Horse Therapy/grooming and Massage ( Tellington Touch)
10.Research for a News Station in College
11.nurse's aid.volunteer ( highschool and junior High , Special Olympics and Childrens Hospital,
also was a Reader and did puppet shows....)
12.Hospice Volunteer ( started when 17, before that volunteered)
13.Parking Lot Attendent at Harbor Construction Site
14.Bartending
15.Taught HIV/AIDS Classes for years in Seattle 1988-1998
16. Cofounded a Environmental Health Non Profit
17. Red Cross Disaster Volunteer
18.Reader for Blind College Students
19.tutoring
20.housecleaning
21.Pet Care
22.volunteer at Nature Center ( rehabing Wild Animals- bears to baby squirrels)
23. Market Checkout
24.Rickshaw Driver in Baltimore ( first female one in early 80's Harbor)
25.Inventory Bookeeping at a resturante
26.Personal Trainer ( taught eexercise classes at gym for free membership)
27.Worked at 2nd Hand Store
28.worked in Special Dress Shop In Baltimore ( where I met Oprah....)
29.And yes, I am still a nurse..an RN....( PEDS, Hospice,PICU,ER,AIDS Nursing....)

I need Tropical.....It's Frigging Cold by Lake Erie....

2008-12-12T00:05:00.004-05:00

No Woman No Cry....

Rivers of Babylon...

THE LIST....click on the ones that you have done...and then do the list of things you want to DO...

2008-12-05T20:45:00.006-05:00

While you sip some warm coffee...ponder this 100 List...and see How Many of these you have done...great list Stolen from DK at Redheaded Wisdom....

I HAVE... **{{ means I did it}}**
1. Started my own blog **
2. Slept under the stars**
3. Played in a band** {{ Did Lights, and also tamborine and back up}}
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower ** {{ many times}}
6. Given more than I can afford to charity **{{{ yup..over and over }}}**
7. Been to Disneyland/world ** {{{ disney world}}}**
8. Climbed a mountain **{{{ yup..}}**
9. Held a praying mantis *** {{{ son had pet one, also walkingstick and pet slug too}}}**
10. Sung a solo ***{{ don't ask- it was totally embarrassing}}}}***
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightning at sea *** {{{ had a sailor boyfriend}}}***
14. Taught myself an art from scratch ***{{ many jewelery, caligraphy,chinese painting etc}}***
15. Adopted a child *** {{{ fostered two girls,sisters one year}}}***
16. Had food poisoning **** {{many times}}}***
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty ***{{{ went pretty high- not sure how high}}}**
18. Grown my own vegetables *** {{ many many times}}}***
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train***{{many times}}***
21. Had a pillow fight***{{{ many times}}**
22. Hitchhiked*** {{ as a dumb teen}}}***
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill ***{{{ gulp..yup}}***
24. Built a snow fort ***{{{ yup...}}***
25. Held a lamb****{{{ yup}}***
26. Gone skinny dipping ***{{{ yup..many times}}}****
27. Run a Marathon*** {{{ used to run half marathons in college}}**
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse *** {{{yup}}***
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset ***{{{ both many times}}}***
31. Hit a home run *** {{{ long time ago}}}***
32. Been on a cruise ***{{ gone on overnight sailing trips...not sure that counts}}}***
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors***{{{ In UK and also in Kentuckey and West Va.}}}**
35. Seen an Amish community **{{ many times}}}***
36. Taught myself a new language *** {{ some french, some thai,some spanish }}***
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied ***{{ sometimes}}**
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing *** {{{ yup, and I sucked }}***
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke *** {{ don't ask}}}***
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant ****{{{yup}**
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight **{{{ many times}}}***
46. Been transported in an ambulance*** {{{ also worked on one, son had bad asthma attack went with him}}***
47. Had my portrait painted *** {{{ had photos taken for a friends photo class, and he did also paint it...ugh}}***
48. Gone deep sea fishing ***{{{ kind of, we went but did not catch much }}}***
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling *** {{{ as a teen snorkeling, also swam with dolphins }}}}***
52. Kissed in the rain **** {{yup }}****
53. Played in the mud **** {{{yup with son}}}****
54. Gone to a drive-in **{{ long ago}}}***
55. Been in a movie *** {{ son and I were Extra's in Singles, I was asked to Extra in Spiderman filmed in 2006- turned down}}}**
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business **** {{yup}***
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen***{{{ yup}***
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies *** {{ and bought}}**
62. Gone whale watching ***{{{ many times}}***
63. Got flowers for no reason **** {{{not in a long time}}}***
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma *** {{{not recently}}**
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check **{{{ oooops by accident, rare}}**
68. Flown in a helicopter *** {{ ex was a fight nurse, I begged for a fly , but watched him alot}}}**
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy *** {{ yup}}***
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial ***{{many times}}**
71. Eaten Caviar ***{{ yup...rare}}**
72. Pieced a quilt **{{ many }}**
73. Stood in Times Square **{{ yup, long ago}}}**
74. Toured the Everglades **{{ long ago}}***
75. Been fired from a job *** {{ got in a fight with a big company - about AIDS care}}***
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London **{{yup}}}**
77. Broken a bone ***{{many}***
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle ***{{{ not sure if it was going too fast}}}***
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book*** {{ long ago}}}***
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car **{{ long ago}}}***
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper **{{{ embarrassing}}}**
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House *** {{ not the inside}}}****
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating ***{{{ it was a fish, does that count}}}***
88. Had chickenpox**{{{ yup}}***
89. Saved someone’s life *** {{{ yup..1st time I was 11, a drowning, and then as a nurse}}}***
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous **** {{{{ a few }}}***
92. Joined a book club **{{joined a few}}**
93. Lost a loved one **{{{yup}}**
94. Had a baby ****{{ yup}}**
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake **{{{ did not swim in it- did see- it's gross}}**
97. Been involved in a law suit **{{ yup}}}***
98. Owned a cell phone **** {{{{ yup.....since 1999}****
99. Been stung by a bee ***{{{ a few times, I am allergic...not good..}}}***
100. Ridden an elephant *** {{ I was little won a contest, I was 5- or 6....it was wonderful, it was a baby}}}***

November Sunset....Bare Trees and Brittle Cold.....

2008-11-30T16:57:00.002-05:00

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Snow has come and gone a few times now...and ice and walking in slurpy sludge has lost it's magic...in winter with Bare Trees the light takes on a special magic....and warmth.....a magician's twilight....

Lorenna McKinnet " Mummers Dance"......

Cold Winter Night....Catching the Light

2008-11-19T00:08:00.006-05:00

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Behind my house there are old Brownstone apartment type buildings with wooden porches that are full of beautiful icicles, dripped from the railings and when the Light hits, they look so amazing, I have tried to photograph them catching the Light.....like hand blown glass....delicate yet strong...medieval, yet majestic....and magical...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dan Fogelberg....." To the Morning"...

Snow on a Sunday Night....

2008-11-17T01:48:00.005-05:00

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First Real Snow of the Winter.....falling softly ...quietly....the mounds of leaves are all covered with snow...like powdered sugar.....dancing flakes scatter by the street lights...we are supposed to have snow all week....but the virgin snow is the most special...precious...
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and for some reason Dan Fogelberg always reminds me of snow....winter quiet....night snow...."Wysteria"

The Vote...

2008-11-02T03:17:00.004-05:00

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This is the Song I will have in my head and my heart when I vote..I don't know why but Scottish Music and Drums and Bagpipes is always what I hear when I am voting...

MoonLighting...again..

2008-10-25T00:44:00.010-04:00

Autumn Winds....

2008-10-24T21:36:00.001-04:00

I love this time of year...it smells like burnt S'Mores...and crisp bagels and coffee when I walked the dog....and the leaves are crunching under my shoes....the leaves are changing color rapidly but falling fast with winds and stormy nights....There are goards, and pumpkins on porches and marigolds in pots....and Halloween decorations of ghosts and harvest ....

Phil Collins " True Colors" beautiful video...photo montage..and backpipes...

Waterlust...more....

2008-10-24T21:30:00.004-04:00

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My favorite water spot...go there all the time in my dreams....oh well....someday I will go back...thousands of miles away...
Music...amazing Water video and Water Life...Fat Boy Slim "Right Here, Right Here Now".....

Moondreaming......

2008-10-20T15:34:00.004-04:00

The Moon was amazing last week...the night of the last debate...it took my breath away....

Friday Morning....Autumn Leaves....

2008-10-17T07:34:00.006-04:00

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David Sanborn....always reminds me of Autumn...not sure why...

and Carly's Song ( from Hideaway....best album ever...)

One Funny Horse..."Patches"

2008-10-14T16:45:00.001-04:00

Wander Lust....

2008-10-14T10:16:00.005-04:00

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Sometimes the road is just calling...I would love to go away...Somewhere....Anywhere....

Fast Car by Tracy Chapman......

Saturday Night.....10.11.08

2008-10-11T21:32:00.008-04:00

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Have to take the garden down soon...but one more look....my 3 Dollar garden that fed my soul all summer....I will miss it...but I have liked sharing it with you....

Al Stewart and Peter White " On the Border".....

Too Many Late Nights....

2008-10-10T01:24:00.001-04:00

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Leaves are falling....don't you love Bare Trees when they are standing strong and branches lifted to the sky....Anyways....6-6 and I have both been battling Sleep....so below are some songs....middle of the night songs....I listen to alot of Matchbox 20 in the Middle of the Night....( Click the Title some Maya Angelou...."Still I Rise")
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2am....Breathe

3am....

yeah....it's' because there are people that I miss...

"If you're gone." Matchbox20...

To a Friend....Happy Birthday...

2008-10-09T15:37:00.012-04:00

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Many years ago I made a friend....We met at a Coffee Shop in the Northwest...I was immediately aware of his humor, his wisdom, his sensitivity, and his ability to read situations. Before we ever met I watched him at the Coffee Shop how kind he was to others, the way he would offer a chair, or a better muffin, or a joke when it was needed. He taught me the value of Empathy and Listening. This week he turns 50 and he is thousands of miles away...

We have spent many hours talking....over the years....walking in the rain, sitting on my porch at all hours....making pancakes....and drinking Chai Tea...and reading ....and yes dissecting American Politics...and reviewing the Culture of America and other Places....and he has helped me learn many things about my son....and raising a boy....he helped me keep anchored when life became more than rocky...there is no way I can let him know how much richer and better he has made my life.....He has been a Gift....... In many ways he is the Brother I never had..and he knows it....I can only say Namaste....

The two songs below always remind me of him and how blessed...truly lucky I have been to have him as a friend...and that I always carry him in my heart.....and that there is always a place on my porch just for him...always...
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"Name"

"Iris"...especially that this song is in the Pouring Rain....

IF you were here my friend we would go sit and have tea and coffee and muffins....These two songs always came on in the car when I was driving around digging through boxes of toxic documents....I would drive home pondering the documents and the FOIAS and how the trail of paper led to our sick friends and obituaries of neighbors ...and as I write Silent Fallout I know that the lessons from those years were a gift....Namaste.

Monday Night Musings....

2008-10-06T21:01:00.014-04:00

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This is Volunteer Park in Seattle...it is a Special Spot ....A really wonderful park...has wonderful grounds to walk the dog and play frisbee and there is a beautiful GreenHouse, the Conservatory.....when you go there there are 4 different rooms , when my son was little I used to take him there, there was the Hawaii room with orchids and a koi pond....there is a Desert Room with tall Cacti....It helped me to talk my son to different places of wonder....

And then we could walk down the hill and there is a wonderful playground and wading pool...it was the first park I ever took my son to....he was days old....and then there is the Asian Art Museum....it was my son's favorite museum for years....he loved the Buddha Room....and by the Playground there is a Cemetary....When my son was four I took him there for picnics and we would do rubbings off the gravestones...that is how I taught him his alphabet....and Chinese Characters....but also the wonder of touching stone....smooth stone...engraved with messeges of love.

And when things would go wrong....or we were down...we would get a Bag of bagels and go visit the Lucky Bagel...and rub it's cool dark smooth surface....Touching it brought serenity....and hope...the Lucky Bagel taught my son the Power of Circles...

"Hold On..Hold On"...Neko Case....( she comes from the Northwest..and her songs capture the spirit of this wonderful place....)

This is the song I sang to my son for many years....now I just hum it when I clean on Sundays....Simply Red " Holding Back the Years".....funny how the years slide away so fast...

(click the title ...."Kiss from a Rose" Seal...6-6 loved this song....used to hum it all the time..)

Then it was Friday.....10.03.08

2008-10-03T16:29:00.004-04:00

[[ really good receipe for Zucchini Bread over at NAKED SUSHI....on Watergate Summer Blogroll...click the title "Thank You " Dido....]]

Then it was October....

2008-10-02T07:34:00.007-04:00

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A really big Thank You ....to Walking Man..for being here...and for saying things that are profound and wise..and incredibly kind....nice to know there are still Sage Souls in the world...Click the Title the song is "Fearless"......by the Neville Brothers.

Some Magic for Monday....

2008-09-29T06:36:00.013-04:00

About Holding On...even when the Surf is High...some Fleetwood Mac.....

And what connects us all.....The Chain...

Then it was Thursday....

2008-09-25T16:30:00.004-04:00

Really beautiful video....I have been tied up with Politics.....

"Democracy will not come
Today, this year
Nor ever
Through compromise and fear.

I have as much right
As the other fellow has
To stand
On my two feet
And own the land.

I tire so of hearing people say,
Let things take their course.
Tomorrow is another day.
I do not need my freedom when I'm dead.
I cannot live on tomorrow's bread.

Freedom
Is a strong seed
Planted
In a great need.

I live here, too.
I want freedom
Just as you."
Langston Hughes

Early Friday Morn....

2008-09-19T02:16:00.003-04:00

Last Day of Summer....

Hands to Heaven..."Breathe"

Thursday Night Music.....Soothing..Moby and More...

2008-09-18T23:04:00.004-04:00

Everloving...

Another Song.....beautiful photos...

Holding Back the years...

Tuesday Night....

2008-09-16T23:48:00.000-04:00

need quiet...and some time to think....

September 11 Tribute....

2008-09-11T09:35:00.004-04:00

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Posted on Watergate Summer Sept 11, 2007....Post below was written on the eve of 9.11.01, I have never put it on my blog before.I wrote this about 12 hours after the 2nd Tower Fell.I was living in the Northwest in a small town in a little house with a little picket fence at the time, my son was 10,and I was still married.I wrote this sitting on my porch, late at night.I have lived in 5 places since then, and my son has grown into a teenager....I have tried to always make him a Home....and give him a sense of Peace and Community.My own heartbroken path has taken me on spiritual journey that can not be denied....and yes,it is intrinsically woven into this Dark Time in our History and has been drastically affected by This Regime.I am even more sad for this Country, Our Country, then when I wrote this....I still treasure what matters....I blog it everyday.
namaste.
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[Please do read the Comment Thread Below esp the Comments by Deudersson and his life in NYC after 911, it is beautiful]
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Shattered Dreams and Unsung Heroes 9.11.01... 11pm

We went to bed last night and we woke up and nothing will ever be the same.Our televisions brought us such images of death and destruction that have never even been portrayed on movie screens.Not at home, Not in Our Backyard. Not Here, Please not here, not in Our Home Lands.Not in the United States.And then we listen to familiar Voices trying to explain what can not be explained, Peter Jennings and Arron Brown so calmly trying. A New York Skyline resculpted by a monsters plan, a shredded symbol.

As these images flash across the screen I am left with images in my mind of people trying desperately trying to get to those they Love.Firemen groping in rubble and smoke.Unsung Heroes who ran into buildings to help people because that is their calling.

Reporters and cameramen filming while running desperately trying to still get the Truth Out.I am stuck with the realization that hours earlier, they had breakfast,walked their dogs,laughed with their kids..Hours later they may have been clutching perhaps a wallet photo and whispering "Goodbye"and "I Love you " into a cellphone...Courage is found in the Rubble and the Dust,dark smoke does not cloud such Bravery....Rubble,ashes,and paper falling like snow, like tears.....a Deadly Rain.

Tonight my son is drawing SuperHeros with his friend, and they are eating peanut butter sandwichs, and my dog is in the yard, and my cat is still pestering the Canary outside in his cage under such a blue sky, and those skies are so ominously silent.My husband is a flight nurse and I look expectantly at the skies, for the first time EVER I don't want to see him flying.I want his feet on the ground.And I am haunted by the date, 911.. Emergency.

So What do we do now my son asks ? It is a good question. Then he asks about the People Wanting Revenge, and I have to tell him that for this level of destruction and death,there is perhaps there is no Retribution, that Revenge does not measure out when there is Such Evil at Work.We have to stay calm and focused,being careful not to judge What we can not understand.

So what to We Do now? .....Perhaps we try to take care of each other,hug our kids a little harder,check on neighbors,give blood, and we pray and we light candles. Be gentle to each other my friends and have Hope. And remember days like these are full of Unsung Heroes that can be eclipsed by the tragedy of the moment. They are People just like You.

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photo borrowed from Hope's Blog.

Friday Night Thoughts and Music

2008-09-06T01:24:00.009-04:00

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I am sick of the politics and the lies and the angst that go with it...the churning of events....Someday I want to be able to fly again...go away...to Sri Lanka..or Thailand or Bali.....it's funny ...but Youtube has enriched my life and even made me homesick for places I have never been...So I am so bittersweet grateful....I hope that we have new leadership...and I get taken off the No Fly List..and we find some semblence of sanity again...I hope I pray...Because I have seen it all come "Undone"...

Duran Duran..."Saving a prayer"....

I just want an "Ordinary World"...again....somehow,,,

I am just waiting for a New Day...."Sunrise"

Wednesday thoughts and ponderings....

2008-08-27T05:38:00.003-04:00

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Charles W.Cushman 1930's
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I have to believe in "Better Days" ....( music by the Goo Goo Dolls )

Baltimore....(or how Randy Newman stopped a Riot during a Snowstorm)

2008-08-24T13:34:00.014-04:00

The Story Behind the Song....

I was telling my son about Baltimore, I have many stories from that era of my life....and I was telling him about my First Randy Newman Concert. It was winter,many years ago and it was bitter cold and snowing....It was in an old Dance Hall, and people showed up mostly for the Main Act which was the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. Now This was the same year that "Short People" came out and believe it or not Little People would come and protest at Randy's Concerts.

So outside waiting in the snowstorm was the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band Fans ( alot of Bikers ) and then the Protesting Midgets and Dwarves. And I am not sure why, but they were not getting along.So then the Parrotheads arrived, somehow they were there to see both bands. So they were in their Full Margauritaville Gear with Hawaii Shirts and funny hats. So The Management let all of us in. I was with my sister who was in a DISCO phase and really pissed at me for dragging her to "this dumass circus of a concert". There I sat in my Hippy gear, patched jeans , Indian top, and 2nd hand coat and clogs smoking clove cigarettes. It was not a Sisterly loving event. ( I invited her because her date cancelled and I had an extra ticket.)

So the Dance Hall is packed every old battered wooden theater seat is full and Everyone has made their way in, the Pissed Off Little People, the Rowdy Bikers, and the Parrotheads.... So the waiting begins.

Well, it turns out that the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band was not coming...and would not be coming. And that supposedly their Bus had broken down somewhere. Now the Audience had to be told this....So there are Pissed off Little People marching up and down the aisles, and then now the Bikers were about to be given a bad blow. So a little tiny wisp of a man came out to deliver the bad news....

" I have some troubling news, I am not sure when or if the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band is coming. But if you want to wait for them, because they had some bus trouble, then I am sure they will be here when Randy Finishes playing, Maybe"

His voice cracked and rose off and on, sweat ran down his little face. By the time he was done the Bikers were on their feet yelling " We want our Godamn Money Back NOW !!!!

Meanwhile the Parrotheads have all settled in to watch the show- and are getting stoned and blowing up HUGE Beachballs and bouncing them around the audience. Meanwhile the angry little people are still stomping around the aisles.And the Bikers are now stamping their feet and Yelling and getting ready to Break Something.

My sister sitting there in her leather pants and her Donna Summer tube top was looking disgusted, and " I wish I was anywhere else!!". Someone handed her a Flask and told her " Here Darlin' have some Courage", She mellowed considerably.

And while the Tension rose and the Noise got louder, the Little Man on the stage said, "Without Further ado- I give you Randy Newman".......

So out comes Randy, still putting on his jacket, looking a bit rumpled like he just fell off the bus....He quickly gauged the room... and came out on stage and sat at the Piano and started talking....as soothing as a Fine Southern Gentleman , telling the Bikers not to worry that he would keep them happy until The Band arrived, and apologizing to the Little People, and even making nice jokes about his gratitude to the Mysterious Parrotheads and their doobies and beach balls. ( No one was even sure why they were there...). He had a rambling style like a traveling Medicine Man offering some sweet bottled Sunshine and promises out the back of a wagon as he stroked the piano keys.

He sang it all Blues, Ray Charles, Some Jimmy Buffet, and some Willie Nelson.....all of it...He used his music to make peace that snowy night.....

And this Song was how he began his show....".Baltimore"....a much longer version....

And no the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band never showed....but 20 minutes into Randy telling stories and singing songs Something Wonderful happened.....

Peace in the Garden...

2008-08-24T13:02:00.004-04:00

My Oasis....

Zen Meditation Journey.....