Sunday, May 15, 2011
I have been working on my little back porch. It is my escape, my haven, my refuge from most things I don't want to think about. It is where I go to feed my soul and heal hidden wounds. It is where I go to let my mind wander.
The pots are all salvaged from the curb on Sunday Eves. Over the winter I painted them a pale creamy white to hide chips and damage. All winter I would walk every day, 15 minutes at least, and if the snow was deep and impossible I would walk to the Market and buy seeds while I cursed the Siberian Landscape. Those seeds were my hope....I bought vegetable seeds and petunia and clematis and morning glorys.....And as I trudged home from the market I would have green thoughts.
Truthfully I need an oasis at this point, I need a place of solitude to regroup and gather myself. But the three little girls next door are everywhere, constant motion and noise and energy. I finally realized that maybe I don't need silence, I need these little souls around me. They come and finger the plants, kindly offering help when I don't feel good, and asking for Popsicles or snacks. They have beautiful eyes and sweet souls.....and sometimes they just want to sit on the porch with the Purple lacy cushion. On some level I think they know I am feeling broken, and they know that they bring Light to my little porch.
The beautiful delicate Blown glass vase holds Lilacs...I can sit and read and smell them and that moment heals everything that went wrong during the day...And at night there is a candle that smells of pineapple and Rosemary and Thyme, I can sit in the dark and dream of other places to come and places that I hold dear....and people that I miss.
My Ex is dating.....We have been divorced 5 years, separated even longer. It is time. He has been kind about it, and we remain good close friends, talking almost daily. But I also know that he does not call me from home very often and he has been gentle in telling me he has plans or is going out. I know she is younger, and that they do things together. They go out for meals and go biking and for hikes. And on some level I know that my hiking and biking days are over, that I should be glad that he has someone to do these things that he loves. And they go out for meals, and that part really hurts, because no one takes me out for meals, and he actually rarely did that for me. Once I became a mom, he only took me out for a meal once. I remember it well, I paid for the meal and the sitter. And then Mothers Day came and went, there was nothing, no cards , no flowers, nothing. Not even a phone call. In many ways it should not upset me, as all of our marriage many Birthdays and Mothers Days passed with Nothing, but now that he was with someone else who is not a a mom...the sting was deeper this time.
So that weekend I worked on The Porch all weekend, it was a Gift to myself....I know that...I know that I sound petty and selfish saying that...
I planned the porch, I built a bench for a window seat to sit and read, but also a place to hide my recycling. I painted chairs and tables and found a beautiful color, "Evening in Paris" ( it looks like Sunset Indigo to me, but the color alone reminds me of California). Just having that color near makes me smile and forget where I am....My mind can wander....to Somewhere else and Away from Everything....
The Garden planted...waiting...
The Steps leading to the Porch....only 5 steps...no more Hill or 29 steps to get Home